Breakdown

I’ve had a rough couple of days.

Forgive me if I just sort….ramble.

I went from being out in the middle of the woods, to living in a garage in the middle of everything. At first, I felt wonderful, exhuberant and overjoyed to be progressing….but, living in a garage doesn’t do well for me. Who would it? Its hot, still eating out of the crockpot. Depression gets the best of me sometimes. I’m not sure where it comes from. Its either that I haven’t progressed, or that I look at my little cat and see her lay in my lap and look at me wondering where we go next, what do we do next. And then I think my depression comes from being lonely. I’m a sociable person, I keep friends tight and close, once I value you as a friend. Of those I truly call friends, I can claim very few, and these I’ve known at least a decade. And then I think about Peni.

I don’t think I’ve quite gotten over her death.

I’m not sure how to.

If I had returned her phone call, I would have been able to say good-bye. And yes, I do know at any moment of any day I can close my eyes and talk to her….But, maybe its the guilt of having not returned her phone call.

Some friend I am.

I think thats where my depression comes in. To those of you who know the closeness Peni and I had, that long 7 year closeness that drove some jealous, that some applauded, and that each of our friends questioned when either one of us was not around, you know how this hurts. You know how hard this is to deal with.

This is the first time I’ve publicly talked about it. But, maybe that will help, if I talk about it. If I get to that point where I don’t deny she’s gone and I actually TALK about it. Or WRITE about it. Or ACT it out. Or SCREAM it out. Or CRY it out. OR DO SOMETHING.  Do something…..

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