My friend Mark called me earlier today and asked quite simply if everything was ok. I hadn’t posted a blog in a while, I hadn’t been out and about and I hadn’t really been in touch with too much of anyone.
It is true, I have been held up in my room for the last couple of weeks furiously knitting. But, there’s more to my silence that I feel I need to explain.
I still have a hard time, on occasion, with Peni’s death. A lot of people around Orlando know my face, know my name, and know the relationship she and I had. And its not uncommon, now that I’m back in Orlando, to be in Publix, or having a coffee at Starbucks and have someone I haven’t seen in so many years approach me and comment, “Good to see you back in town! So, how is Peni?”
Usually, I bow my head, mention she passed away, then retreat for a while into my own head, in some quite space for a few days, and wrestle with the whole situation on my own terms.
I’ve noticed my retreat more and more in the past few weeks because the anniversary of her passing comes too close to her birthday. She died on Oct. 14. Her birthday is October 20.
So, I’ve been a little withdrawn lately because one week approaches where she was given, then taken away.
She was the one who took care of me, who brought me here, who sacrificed so much to see me get SOMEWHERE SOMEDAY.
I miss her. And forgive me if on occasion I step aside while everyone’s looking away and spend a few minutes privately with her. (She’d only scold me anyway for being such a dork).
I miss you, Peni….but, I’m sure you know that.