A Coiled Snake in My Tummy

So I had this touch of bug that set me reeling into bed for the better part of a week. At least I had assumed it was a nasty, swarmy thing moving through me….But, it wasn’t.

With all the madness of clammy hands and chills, and a nasty attitude to bait me into thinking it was something like a virus, turns out it wasn’t. It wasn’t until a few nights ago a panic attack consumed me that I realized that it was stress. Nothing more. Nothing more than the stress of dislocation constantly on my back. Once I recognized what was happening, what was going through my system, it subsided. I thank my friends Beau and Michel and Chisato for helping through that evening. Beau and Michele spent hours talking me out of it. Chisato reminded me of a Japanese composer I’ve become fond of (I’ve always loved Sakamoto, now she’s guiding me into some new composers.) And it really did hit me how much stress can destroy your body. My weight has been dropping consistently throughout the month. (Back down to around 120) When the girl I rent from asked me to leave within 30 days I was oblivious, awestruck, shocked. I grew grim. Sad. When it became apparent that she was judging me and my vacating had nothing to do with other than I’m not trendy and young, I became a little angry, but didn’t do much about it, other than continue on with my knitting. However, as time as gone by she has become increasingly nasty to me, mean on occassion, and dare I say, even bitchy. So, instead of being outlandish and aggressive, I’ve kept it all in, watching my stomach coil up like a pissed off snake, watching my face grow dim and pale, watching myself cover up with a half crocheted blanket and pray, “Please let me find a place to live soon.”

Why would she behave like this? And why would I not do anything about it? I can only assume the self entitlements and promises of uniqueness she’s been fed her young life have her feeling she gets what she wants, no questions asked, when she wants, with demands and she’ll whine, kick and scream until she gets it. (And funny to think she has a sign that says “Namaste” over the front door…..too funny). As for myself? I’m not a combative person, although I think lately its time I restructured what would constitute being combative. I think I’d rather redesign in my mind that I am a defensive person, whereas she is an offensive person. I need to start defending myself more, without compromising virtue, kindness, compassion and humility.

The pressure was released when I received an email from my mother who is offering Mario and me TEMPORARY refuge at her home throughout the month of December. I’m leaving for St. Simons Island, Georgia on Sunday. I wish it were today. But, things move as they do….I’ll be able to spend December knitting my bears and looking for what to do next, where to go in January. I’m hoping to raise the money throughout December to walk up to a landlord and say, “Here….here’s 3 months rent in advance, you don’t need to do a credit check, and you don’t need to think me risky because I’m self employed. If you give me a place to live where I don’t have to always LOOK for a place to live, I’ll excel, you’ll get paid and I can move forward into a wonderful life….”

Now, on to the bears again. I’m going to be taking orders until about December 15th. That way every single bear will be at their prospective homes for Christmas Dinner and I can spend about a week working on the bears I’m donating to the Knit Wits at Reeves Church (yes, I’ll still send them back down to Orlando even though I’ll be gone) and allow another week to give my hands a much needed rest. Then? Then I hope Mario and I will be moving into a new home, long term and we can say that 2012 won’t be the end of the world, but the end of a cycle of sorrow, giving way to better days in the future.

This photo was taken about a year ago, just about when everything was crumbling around me. I was looking out at that broad ocean thinking only despair. I had no home, no knitting, no needles, no food. I’m looking at that photo differently now, now I’d like to think I’m going to look out at that ocean with hope and excitement…

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14 comments

  1. So glad to hear you are going home for December. That will be nice for all your family. Enjoy your Christmas season and your knitting in a safe and comfortable place!

  2. So pleased you and Mario have somewhere to go for Christmas and you can have a much needed rest. Please put me on your order list for a christmas bear. Have a great time with your Mum

  3. Hi πŸ™‚
    I’m glad you have a place to go for now… and hopefully your stress has eased a bit. Take care, and have a wonderful holiday Season!
    -Kristen in Germany!

  4. When I first saw your picture at the water, I thought how lucky to get to see such beauty. Then I read your post and realized you’re still trying to get situated. I know all too well how difficult times are and I do hope your talent produces all you need. I will continue to pray for you. Missy

  5. I’m sorry that what you were hoping to be a long-term living situation turned out the way it did. Why does your roommate behave that way? My guess is that if you could get right down to the core reason, it would probably be sad. It can’t be a happy way to be a human being. She must not know what ‘namaste’ means. Best not to have people like that around you anyway, so I’m pleased you and Mario are off to your mom’s for December too. I’d only be more pleased if it was for “as long as you need it”.

    Happy Holidays, Gregory.

    1. There are so many people I meet in my same situation. Frightens me. Like our mutual friend Larry, for instance. I wish I could something to help him, help us, help everyone. One day, the tides will turn and this man will be able to do more for others than he’s been able to do for himself.

  6. Well, that’s good news. But still a temporary place. I’m a very sedentary person. Almost always lived in the same city. I cannot imagine having to move all around like you do. For that alone, I have the feeling that you are much stronger than I am.

    To a few other friends I met online and I love dearly, they are also going through difficult times, and I tell them too that they are much stronger than they think.

    The same applies to you and me. If we were weak, we would simply lay down somewhere and wait to die. But we all fight against adversity. In a few months, or maybe a few years (cause we can’t predict the future) you’ll be looking back and see I was right.

    In the mean time, I’ll see what I can do to help you.

  7. Gregory, you are loved!! A lot of us are praying for you and know He is watching over you to keep you safe and to help you in your work! I love your bears and know they are made by a pair of blessed and loving hands!

    Please have hope, faith and courage! The rest will follow! Please be patient and watch for open doors. God never closes one door without opening another.

  8. Gosh, how I feel for you and although we are not sharing the same demons, I had a nightmarish situation yesterday night … you have to leave and can’t , I wanna leave and can’t ;0) … but putting this aside, I am so glad you’ll be granted refuge for the holiday season! I’ll be ordering a bear but want you to give it to some kid or someone who really would love to have one.
    Because if you’ll send it to us, my dog Fuffi will love it dearly to pieces, as she does with all her toy pets … I wouldn’t wanna that to happen to one of yours.
    What about the instructions, any update?

  9. I am reminded of a time when I was doing some travelling and volunteering in Ireland. I ended up in a really bad household for a while, it was just not a good ‘fit’. As a result, I sought another location. By God’s grace, I found myself in one of the best places I stayed on the whole of my travels – with a multitude of cats, a lovely home-owner and people who enjoyed music, a drink and a good laugh. There was even a Bible verse over the fireplace, tho none of the householders were professing Christains. It said, if I recall, “Be strong, do not fear.” I could not think of any better advice at this time.

    Hugs to you and your kitty too!

  10. Boy, do I ever relate! Is it possible to communicate with you by email? I have some thoughts to share but would rather not do so in this public forum. I tried to find an email link in this blog but didn’t see one. I’m assuming you can see my email from my sign-in. Hugs to you. Keep your courage up!

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