With all the madness of clammy hands and chills, and a nasty attitude to bait me into thinking it was something like a virus, turns out it wasn’t. It wasn’t until a few nights ago a panic attack consumed me that I realized that it was stress. Nothing more. Nothing more than the stress of dislocation constantly on my back. Once I recognized what was happening, what was going through my system, it subsided. I thank my friends Beau and Michel and Chisato for helping through that evening. Beau and Michele spent hours talking me out of it. Chisato reminded me of a Japanese composer I’ve become fond of (I’ve always loved Sakamoto, now she’s guiding me into some new composers.) And it really did hit me how much stress can destroy your body. My weight has been dropping consistently throughout the month. (Back down to around 120) When the girl I rent from asked me to leave within 30 days I was oblivious, awestruck, shocked. I grew grim. Sad. When it became apparent that she was judging me and my vacating had nothing to do with other than I’m not trendy and young, I became a little angry, but didn’t do much about it, other than continue on with my knitting. However, as time as gone by she has become increasingly nasty to me, mean on occassion, and dare I say, even bitchy. So, instead of being outlandish and aggressive, I’ve kept it all in, watching my stomach coil up like a pissed off snake, watching my face grow dim and pale, watching myself cover up with a half crocheted blanket and pray, “Please let me find a place to live soon.”
Why would she behave like this? And why would I not do anything about it? I can only assume the self entitlements and promises of uniqueness she’s been fed her young life have her feeling she gets what she wants, no questions asked, when she wants, with demands and she’ll whine, kick and scream until she gets it. (And funny to think she has a sign that says “Namaste” over the front door…..too funny). As for myself? I’m not a combative person, although I think lately its time I restructured what would constitute being combative. I think I’d rather redesign in my mind that I am a defensive person, whereas she is an offensive person. I need to start defending myself more, without compromising virtue, kindness, compassion and humility.
The pressure was released when I received an email from my mother who is offering Mario and me TEMPORARY refuge at her home throughout the month of December. I’m leaving for St. Simons Island, Georgia on Sunday. I wish it were today. But, things move as they do….I’ll be able to spend December knitting my bears and looking for what to do next, where to go in January. I’m hoping to raise the money throughout December to walk up to a landlord and say, “Here….here’s 3 months rent in advance, you don’t need to do a credit check, and you don’t need to think me risky because I’m self employed. If you give me a place to live where I don’t have to always LOOK for a place to live, I’ll excel, you’ll get paid and I can move forward into a wonderful life….”
Now, on to the bears again. I’m going to be taking orders until about December 15th. That way every single bear will be at their prospective homes for Christmas Dinner and I can spend about a week working on the bears I’m donating to the Knit Wits at Reeves Church (yes, I’ll still send them back down to Orlando even though I’ll be gone) and allow another week to give my hands a much needed rest. Then? Then I hope Mario and I will be moving into a new home, long term and we can say that 2012 won’t be the end of the world, but the end of a cycle of sorrow, giving way to better days in the future.
This photo was taken about a year ago, just about when everything was crumbling around me. I was looking out at that broad ocean thinking only despair. I had no home, no knitting, no needles, no food. I’m looking at that photo differently now, now I’d like to think I’m going to look out at that ocean with hope and excitement…