Fighting

Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t blog. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t say anything. You see? That is the censorship I feel worried about sometimes. I worry about bottling up, containing, lying to myself then suddenly going SPLAT.

I’ve been tired lately. I don’t sleep. I give myself 4 hour sections in the middle of the evening and the middle of the day. I go to sleep around 10pm and wake at 2 and get back to work. I take another doze at about noon, then wake at 4. There’s so much to do, so much to accomplish, so much to keep Mario and I safe still that there isn’t time for sleep. If you saw my Vlog yesterday, it was the first thing I mentioned. “I’m a touch tired now, but we’ll get through it.” Then I have days like today where I can’t fight it. I’m insanely tired, but I can’t sleep, for I toss and jostle in the bed knowing there’s a set of needles in the corner that need working, there’s a cat that needs to be fed, there’s rent to be paid, there’s a fear clinching my chest with a stressful hold telling me, “you’ll be homeless again….you will be. Because this is who you are. Don’t pretend you’ll ever be anything else.” And maybe if I just accept that, then everything will be as it should….

And so who wants to hear me say, “Shit. I’m scared. I’m scared OFTEN, so I never sleep, I eat if I feel I HAVE to.” Who wants to read a depressing blog? Well, no one is forcing you to read this, so I guess if you’re here, and you’ve made it this far then you’ve got no problem with my just TALKING sometimes….because the truth is, there are quite a few moments I don’t feel like there is anyone to talk to. Then, I reminded myself of why I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to reach out to people. I want to connect again with the world, because a year ago the world spit me out, shut me down, tossed me to the curb…but, that swollen heart of mine said in some great Thomas Merton (my hero) moment, “No man is an island.”

I think I’m tired because I fight so much. I fight to stay alive and to be treated as a viable talent. And I do have to remind myself of those talents. I’m an awesome knitter, a great writer, a wonderful friend….But, I spend so much of my time trying to tell the world that I’m not only that, but a human, too. I do have feelings. I do get wrapped up in working so hard to feed myself and stay off the streets again that sometimes I don’t get the chance to tell people I love them. I don’t get the chance to tell people I respect them. I get tired because I never want to be that man whose talents become talons, and he uses them to hurt people. I loathe those who decide they’ll use their talents to destroy others. What gain can come from the pain of another?

I haven’t made rent yet this month. And another month comes looming. When I got to this point I told myself, “I’m safe now.”

But, I’m not. I need a benefactor, a sponsor, someone, something to come in and say, “I see something in you….I think I can develop that.” And we’ll turn that into something that bleeds its way into everything like the heart boldly pumping love to all its members.

Somewhere out there someone has the answer.

At this rate? Who knows what happens next. There is no conclusion right now. I just wanted to vent. I just wanted to say I’m scared. I’m lonely. And I don’t know what to do next. Winn Dixie hasn’t called. Starbucks hasn’t called. And I….I need to quit blogging now because I have to get back to work.

 

 

 

 

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13 comments

  1. Yes. Yes, you ARE an awesome knitter (I have Buddy Bear to prove it); you ARE a great writer (your words in the essay above prove it); and you ARE a wonderful friend (I just know it). And in the ultimately benevolent economy of the universe, that will all come back to you, multiplied and magnified. Keep doing what you do. Sleep when you can. Trust IF you can … it gets better.
    You’re in MY prayers, that’s a promise.

  2. You are an extremely talented person Gregory, and your blogs don’t always have to be happy, if you feel the need to vent then go for it! Holding things inside is not going to make you feel better. Those of us who follow your life I am sure are always here when you need to vent. I find you to be such an inspiration and I always look forward to your blogs and vlogs. I hope that things will get easier for you soon and you can relax a bit and rest. Sending you lots of positive vibes and warm hugs.
    Love Joanne

  3. Awww, I’m so sorry you are struggling with all of these things. As I told you in my note to you, I, too, am struggling with many of these things. We’re just hanging on a thread. I completely understand how you feel.

    Sometimes, I think, it’s easier to keep how we are feeling about our financial and living situations inside because we aren’t sure how people will react and we’re afraid that they will kick us when we are down. I did that. I kept everything inside and didn’t tell anyone until we were so far down that we were in trouble.

    Your blog readers don’t come here because they want fakeness. I know for me, at least, I come here because you are honest about your struggles, you are a fighter and you give me hope, that I too can fight. Keep telling us of your struggles. We’re here to listen to you. We’re here to help you. We’re here to uplift you.

    So, with that, GOOD LUCK on sales today! 🙂 Hopefully you’ll be able to start paying your rent again soon. And please, get some sleep. Even just one good night of sleep. It’ll be worth it in the long run. It’s harder to fight when you are tired and weary.

    Here’s a hug from across the country.

    Ashley

  4. You have such an amazing and wonderful talent. You are a fantastic knitter and you have such a way with words! The fact that you have kept Mario says alot about your character. There are so many people who abandon their pets when things start to get just a little bit tough. You are a fighter and a survivor! Things WILL start looking up, I just know it! I, too, will be praying up a storm for you. Please, try to get some sleep….Do you have a p.o. box?

  5. Your bears are cute and sweet; excellently knitted. You have such finesse with words and you’ve captivated my curious mind. I happed upon your blog through the Lion Brand blog when they published about you a few months ago. Within a couple days, I read back to the beginning of your blog. I know you’re in a bleak place right now, friend, but I know it will get better.

    Keep knitting, continue blogging (don’t forget us – we’re here voluntarily and you’re in our prayers…at least you’re in mine) and see about making some innovative patterns to sell on Ravelry and/or Etsy. Keep plugging away and please, get some rest or you’ll get sick and won’t be able to work at all…then where would you be?

  6. Hi Gregory,
    First, THANK YOU! Thank you for being you and being REAL! I too have a blog, well 2 of ’em, and at times have said the same thing to myself, that I didn’t wanna go “all negative” and stuff, but being real is being real! It is expressing how you really feel at this point in time. It doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. I can SOOOO relate to your situation, as I am receiving unemployment but it run out in March, I am one of those people who just started to receive it last Fall and never went on any of those “extensions” and I do not know what will happen come the end of March. I am also in the middle of a worker comp injury legal dispute that has been going on for almost 2 years. I still need 2 surgeries and have lost my home, my furniture, people I thought were my “friends”, and more but like you I have not lost hope and most of the time, I try to focus on anything but the gut-wrenching fear of “what might happen” The economy and the world are very different these days and o many of us are in situations we NEVER thought we would find ourselves in. Here’s to things smoothing out and getting much easier for you and all of us! We are in your corner! And keep doing what you love, I am learning to live life this way too, as I spent way too many years doing things for a “living” that only brought me stress, physical injuries, illness, and misery and trust that God/Source/All-that-is WILL provide! xoxo
    Chris in MIchigan

  7. I .. yes I … have the one of the kind.. ultra cute.. amazingly soft.. intricately knitted.. VALENTINE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone that has seen him is dying to have their own bear from you. Now this bear has not made it to his final destination yet. Why you ask? Simple really. This bear is a promise, a step, a vision. This bear was made with love, in hope of love, in hope that it would make it to a Valentine love. I myself do not have a Valentine this year but I am envisioning one. I am envisioning everything I want in a Valentine.. in life and where I want my life to go. Every time my mind starts in on my faults and worries, I change my mind channel and start in on my vision of what I want (leaving out what I do not want). It’s not easy. I wrote a script to go along with it, just in case my movie get stuck in my head and the negative thoughts break through like a bad commercial.
    So this Valentines Bear reminds me that soon there will be a “love of my life” again. I will have the things I want in my life and I will remain happy and at peace.
    For you Gregory I envision the same. Of abundance, love,, peace of mind and happiness. Your bears have helped me with this! You are amazing!
    And I don’t think I have told you lately about how proud of you I am. I am incredibly proud of you and your success!
    BTW.. You and the Valentines Bear are now on Pintrest!

  8. Gregory, you need to sleep. In the long run, your body and health will suffer and you will be worse off. I know it’s hard to do that when you have a lot on your mind but try anyway. A good two hour refreshing sleep is better than an 8 hour restless one. BTW, you can write anything on your blog. It’s yours!! And don’t feel obligated to make a post when you don’t feel like it. Real friends and followers will not pressure you. You have a kind heart. Blessings will come. Praying for you.

  9. Gregory, you are truly talented, awesome and blessed. Your blessings are just taking their time in showing up for you. You’ve got the right to vent. You’ve got the right to be scared and afraid. You’ve got the right to be angry at times. And you’ve got the right to be tired to the point of exhaustion. Please have faith, Love, that this will pass and you will be going on to better things in due time. God loves you and will bless you! Always praying for you!! You are a blessing to those of us who love you in more ways than you’ll ever know!

  10. Dear Gregory, I just read your post and an elephant sits on my chest. It’s been 2 years ago when I had a rough time with panic attacks and little sleep and fear for the future, because I had no job and didn’t know what to do. Now everything is fine, because I worked hard and figured out a way. I don’t let my self down and now I know I can trust myself and that everything is possible.
    A friend of mine always say if life is hard with money problems and not knowing what will come, eat well, sleep good and love someone that loves you.
    You have something special, I like your posts and vlogs and how you and Mario like each other… and of course your bears! I wish you all the best, hope that the money I gave you for your pattern will help and hug you from across the sea.

  11. This is Amy, stalking you from the BAHS post… I remember a you from a long time ago who was suffering madly in love and life, and you’ve made it this far in life which is wonderful absolutely wonderful to see. If you could get through what the ancient past threw at you to get to this moment now then you are a warrior and you will continue to survive and persevere. Someday when you have time I want to here the bridge you took out of the park and into today.

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