Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t blog. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t say anything. You see? That is the censorship I feel worried about sometimes. I worry about bottling up, containing, lying to myself then suddenly going SPLAT.
I’ve been tired lately. I don’t sleep. I give myself 4 hour sections in the middle of the evening and the middle of the day. I go to sleep around 10pm and wake at 2 and get back to work. I take another doze at about noon, then wake at 4. There’s so much to do, so much to accomplish, so much to keep Mario and I safe still that there isn’t time for sleep. If you saw my Vlog yesterday, it was the first thing I mentioned. “I’m a touch tired now, but we’ll get through it.” Then I have days like today where I can’t fight it. I’m insanely tired, but I can’t sleep, for I toss and jostle in the bed knowing there’s a set of needles in the corner that need working, there’s a cat that needs to be fed, there’s rent to be paid, there’s a fear clinching my chest with a stressful hold telling me, “you’ll be homeless again….you will be. Because this is who you are. Don’t pretend you’ll ever be anything else.” And maybe if I just accept that, then everything will be as it should….
And so who wants to hear me say, “Shit. I’m scared. I’m scared OFTEN, so I never sleep, I eat if I feel I HAVE to.” Who wants to read a depressing blog? Well, no one is forcing you to read this, so I guess if you’re here, and you’ve made it this far then you’ve got no problem with my just TALKING sometimes….because the truth is, there are quite a few moments I don’t feel like there is anyone to talk to. Then, I reminded myself of why I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to reach out to people. I want to connect again with the world, because a year ago the world spit me out, shut me down, tossed me to the curb…but, that swollen heart of mine said in some great Thomas Merton (my hero) moment, “No man is an island.”
I think I’m tired because I fight so much. I fight to stay alive and to be treated as a viable talent. And I do have to remind myself of those talents. I’m an awesome knitter, a great writer, a wonderful friend….But, I spend so much of my time trying to tell the world that I’m not only that, but a human, too. I do have feelings. I do get wrapped up in working so hard to feed myself and stay off the streets again that sometimes I don’t get the chance to tell people I love them. I don’t get the chance to tell people I respect them. I get tired because I never want to be that man whose talents become talons, and he uses them to hurt people. I loathe those who decide they’ll use their talents to destroy others. What gain can come from the pain of another?
I haven’t made rent yet this month. And another month comes looming. When I got to this point I told myself, “I’m safe now.”
But, I’m not. I need a benefactor, a sponsor, someone, something to come in and say, “I see something in you….I think I can develop that.” And we’ll turn that into something that bleeds its way into everything like the heart boldly pumping love to all its members.
Somewhere out there someone has the answer.
At this rate? Who knows what happens next. There is no conclusion right now. I just wanted to vent. I just wanted to say I’m scared. I’m lonely. And I don’t know what to do next. Winn Dixie hasn’t called. Starbucks hasn’t called. And I….I need to quit blogging now because I have to get back to work.