Its just a touch after midnight. You’ve all read about my infamous inability to sleep. Today was a touch different. I got about 3 hours last night trying to push out some orders, get some work done, and stay on track. But, I derailed this morning, pushed myself into something of a corner. I was a bit like a zombie. Glossy eyed and staring at the needles as I worked SLOWLY, much slower than usual.
I’ve had some stress lately. I still haven’t made my rent. Sales this last month were dreadful. That coupled with the lack of sleep has just made me, well….to be simple and blunt: a little scared. So, I set the needles down for a while today, and lit a candle. I have a prayer candle I picked up over at the Cuban grocer’s just for this sort of thing. It’s a candle of the the Miraculous Mother, Maria Milagrosa, The Virgin Mary. I’m not a Catholic, but I don’t think that sort of thing should matter when it comes to prayer, nor to faith. The prayer on the back has this one idea, this one moment of meditation that I was clinging to a lot today. “…let us obtain purity of heart, so that every word, deed, and thought leads us to the greater good.”
I worked upon that in my heart today. Kara was here earlier and we had a discussion about my little teddy bear business, and she, like others have said, “You’re having money problems because you’re not charging enough.” And I have been so resistant to that idea for so long. To begin with, I want everyone to be able to have one of my little bears. I don’t want them exclusive and expensive so that only a select could have one. I, in my heart, can’t bring myself to charge any more for them. Smiles should be priceless. Hope should come at no cost. Blessings should be free.
I knit up my little bears and send them on to lives and loves knowing that the moment the box is opened, that first glance, that first hug, brings me back to that greater good. And that has to be the mission, that has to always be the approach to everything in life, not just with my teddy bears. And this is what these bears have taught me, each and every one knit up and born from these long, cramped fingers: that the lives affected, the lives touched, the joy and the smiles brought on by the clutching of one of these bears brings me closer to the greater good; that with some purity of heart my talents and my skills, and the thought of you as I make them, the thought of who will receive them and why, and these words that you read to remind you that I am still always thinking of you, brings me closer to the greater good.
So, if I be a poor man, then forgive me. Some things in this track of life do not require a heavy bank account. If I can maintain my simple little life of yarn, books bought at Goodwill for a quarter, and a 10 by 20 studio to call my home, then I’m ok with that. As long as Mario and I eat and get to stay together, then we are content when we rest in my bed at the end of the day. And as long as I get to use these hands and this hopeful heart to continue sending smiles into the world, hugged greatly before bed time by little ones who will never feel alone, then I am a very wealthy man.
I can’t bring myself to charge more for these bears. I just can’t.
I’m going to try and get a touch of sleep in now. Going to curl up with little Mari …..and pray that this all works out for the greater good.
I appreciate all of the help over the last day, and all of the words of encouragement and support, however, I still have a long way to go to get all of my funds for rent together, so I’ve had to put the donate button back up. Thank you all again for all the wonderful kindness you show me.