So, last night I crawled into bed. I did my usual routine. Ate some late dinner ( I can’t eat at normal times of day. When I eat, I go straight to sleep. Not sure where that comes from), fired up some of the Golden Girls on my laptop (the sound of them soothes me into sleep), Mario crawled up beside my pillow and rolled into a ball, and then I began to doze off……THEN WHAM! Hours later, somewhere around 3 or 4 in the morning, I bolted straight up, wide eyed with panic. My mind was racing, my breath was panted, and my body was solidly stuck in a state of tense. And what brought this on???? In my heard I kept hearing, “I’m 42 years old! I’m 42 years old!!!!!”
Would sound kinda of vain if that were the ONLY thing in that statement, but it bled with so many other underlying fears that crept up on me. It’s tough scraping by every month. But, I do it. But the closer I get to the end of the month, the pressure of scraping by becomes a reality, and that reality becomes more and more of a nightmare the older you get. I mean, if I were in my 20’s this sort of life would seem like the beginning of great possibilities. It would seem Bohemian and thrilling. But, now that I’m in my 40’s its becoming this terrifying notion that I’ll be 50, still hoping to get by each month knitting teddy bears. No savings, still, wondering if arthritis will set in and ruin me. And then I’ll be 60. And hopefully 70…..and I’ll be living with Mario in a badly run State home for the indigent, both of us eating cat food out of the same can. What?????
That was the panic that sat in last night. Fear of the future. I”m getting too old to barely get by every month. Something big needs to happen. Something that takes me to the next level…..but, then again you have to ask, what IS the next level? I guess one option is to design a logo, slap it on my front door, file some papers and call myself a legitimate design house/business, charge HUGE amounts of money for my bears, and become a man that would rival the Steiff Bear. (Really, aside from Steiff, who else is there???). Another option would be to find a small yarn company, or just an individual yarn maker and work with them. You know, attach my bear pattern to their yarn, and use ONLY their yarn when I work up one of my bears. Cross promote each other. I had always hoped that my book would sell MILLIONS of copies and that would solve quite a few problems…..alas, not yet.
I guess I’m intellectually stifled right now. I’m in brainstorming mode. I do know this much, though. I’m not interested in spending another year just drudging through financial mud with an optimistic smile on my face. I don’t want to do that anymore. I need ideas. New, fresh ways of thinking. What is the next level? How do I get there? I want to start moving in that direction PRONTO……so, that’s where I want to hear from you. Let’s ALL get into brainstorming mode. All ideas are welcome (except for going on “Dancing with the Stars.” I’m not doing that). So, leave comments, tell me what you think the next level should be?
And of course, I still have a few Rainbow Bears to adopt out in order to get the rent gathered up. My friend Butch said they weren’t doing as well because they were ugly. Bah! I think it’s ironic that a man named Butch wouldn’t like a Rainbow Bear! Just sayin’!
Click here to adopt a Rainbow Bear and prove Butch wrong! All are ready to ship with a signed card from me 🙂