I’m trying to write this blog without…..writing this blog? I guess I’m trying to say something without actually saying it. Let’s see how that goes.
So over the course of the last two weeks or so, I’d been having some personal issues with someone in my life. I’m really not a fan of having people around me who are negative. And I just don’t mean that they have bad attitudes towards the world in general, I mean constantly telling me that what I’m doing isn’t valuable, that I COULD have done something more with my life, that I could have been anything that I wanted.
And frankly, I couldn’t take anymore. I only smile when I hear the phrase, “I could have been anything I wanted.” And I laugh. Don’t they understand? I AM everything I’ve ever wanted. A good person, an artist, a craftsman. Ok, so I’m not wealthy by any means and getting by every month is a struggle. But I acquired a certain tenacity that I did not inherit from my family. I also, thankfully, did not inherit the notion that things make you happy, and personal wealth is all that you spend your life striving towards. Not that those ideas make you a BAD person, but if you do not subscribe to them, then you shouldn’t be criticized either. I tell ya, some of us truly aren’t miserable with out a smart phone and a flat screen TV. If you want one, go right ahead! Knock yourself and have fun. But, don’t look at me as though I’m some sort of personal failure because I don’t have them, or even worse, not WANT them. (“What kind of person doesn’t want a television?”)
So a few days ago, with tension with this person already on fragile ground, everything came to a head and I snapped. I finally let everything go. And I was often not as eloquent as I wished to be. I made the clear decision that I could no longer have this person around anymore. They were making me feel bad about myself. What they thought was critical observation, I called being mean and I decided it was not necessary to hear about my being a failure, nor about me being strange because I don’t own a car and once had the aspirations to be a monk.
I decided to cut out anyone from my life that made me feel inadequate in any way whatsoever. I want supportive people around me. And I am unyielding in this. That’s it in a nutshell. It just so happened that this whole incident occurred right around Independence Day. I found it metaphoric, that I was declaring my own right not to feel bad about myself because I did not become the professional with a mortgage that you wanted me to be. And who knows what this future holds for me? Maybe one day instead of renting a 10 by 20 room, that I could get something bigger 🙂 Who knows? I do have aspirations for greater accomplishments and moments. Maybe millions of knitters all around the world with buy my patterns and BAM! Maybe I’ll write a best seller and WOAH LOOK OUT. Maybe……who knows?
But, that is the beautiful thing about being in this country. You truly CAN be anything you want to be. And you are generally not made to feel bad about yourself for becoming what ever it is you wanted. No, this country encourages and supports the initiative to go in any direction you wish. Yes, America allows your dreams to come true, despite whatever nightmares you experienced.
I feel so much better about myself.
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