I was feeling a little “glitchy” earlier today when I woke up. That’s what I call it. It’s pretty much a mixture of anxiety and sadness. I don’t know where it comes from, but I often don’t discuss it. Of course, Kara knows. And I’ll call her up just to have her around. When I start to feel “glitchy” my body begins to feel strange. Shaky, painful, like a drug addict in detox. Fast heart. Shallow breath. Unable to focus. These are the kinds of days I find it incredibly hard to knit. If you don’t have a knitting circle, then knitting can be an insanely isolated thing. You’re only alone physically, for the thoughts you have while knitting keep you company. And if you knit alone ALOT, then you can get in the bad habit of being stuck in your head far too much. As a matter of fact, you can get LOCKED in your own head. I notice my glitchy days happen when I’ve had too long a stretch of being alone. For instance, I haven’t seen or spoken to anyone in five days. Five days. Not a soul. Then I’ll notice when I wake up after such a lengthy spell that I feel sad, anxious, a touch nervous.
I’ve been doing my best to head up to Starbucks to knit more. But, than can be expensive. Even if all you have is a tall black coffee, you end up spending a lot of money up there. And when I think of what I’ve just paid for a coffee I remind myself that I could buy a bag of beans and rice for the same amount and eat very nicely for a few days. So, I don’t go as often as I wish.
I have an issue with some agoraphobia, so sometimes my choices are limited. I’m not so terrible that I can’t leave the house. But, I can’t go more than about 2 miles from home before I get “glitchy” again. Same symptoms arise. Panicky, white faced, shallow breath. I feel like I am having a heart attack. So, everyone around me knows that we don’t go too far from home. We don’t go past the boundaries. I think its a fear that my home won’t be there when I come back. Do you know I have been in this apartment for nearly 2 years and that is the longest I have lived in any dwelling for more than 5 years? So, I’m attached to it, beholden to it, afraid when I leave and close the door behind me and go too far, that I won’t have it when I get back. I worked so VERY hard to get out of homeless and into a little place that I am always terrified that it’ll be gone again.
I do feel a lot of strange PTSD issues since the homeless days. Things that are off, things that are odd. Like my boots and how I have to always be wearing them all the time for fear we’ll have to leave. It’s all so very strange. I’m sure in time I’ll find a way to work through all of it, move through it and break it up, shatter it, and find some freedom. I’m a survivor, of course. I always have been. But, for now, at least I feel I’m on the right track by being able to see my perplexing issues, recognize them, and figure out what to do about them. I’ll break it someday. I will. I’m a fighter.
I just thought I’d share, if that’s ok. I feel better now that I’ve actually said something about it. I really do.
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