I promised I would blog more later today. I’ve had some lunch, gotta cup of coffee with me, sitting here ready to write about the ups and downs of the last few days.
I’ve had a shitty, emotional ride over the last two days. Do you remember my blog and how the weather was chilly, so I had made some soup and was gonna bundle up and knit? You would have thought that would have been a perfect situation that anyone who loves their needles would have yearned for.
However, I had some issues with my family that erupted, and without going into too much detail, was wrecked….once again. And this is the issue I have with my family. Someone is lying to me. Not sure who, not sure which side of the story to believe, but will confess with all honesty, that the story itself, the lie being perpetuated has caused such a shredding of the heart in the last 20 years that I have moved further and further away from my family with every year that passes. I’m not sure who to believe, so I believe none of them, and prefer to walk away and resign myself to not going back ever again.
I told one of them on the phone the day before yesterday, “My life works best when none of you are around. If it’s not your criticism of the decisions I’ve made in life, then it’s the inability to tell the truth about what happened when I was a kid. But, that incident keeps haunting me….and I can’t go forward if every time I turn around I hear another version of what happened, but still with no one telling me the truth. So, I need all of you to go. And I need you to go for good.”
Carol sent me an email asking, what some of you have asked before. “Your name is Gregory Patrick, but I’m making payments to Gregory Johnson???”
Yes. My real name is Gregory Patrick Johnson. Sometime ago I wanted to distance myself from my family so I dropped the Johnson and used my middle name as my surname. Simple as that. One day I’ll have the money to change it legally. But, for now, its a method of symbolism. Only the bank and government refer to me as Gregory Johnson.
And people ask, why haven’t you finished “Will Knit For Food,” the sequel to your last book? Because I still don’t have the truth I need to finish it. In order to go forward with that book, I don’t need to know more about the past, I need to know the truth.
I tried to phone a friend. I needed to talk, needed to get advice, talk. Just talk. With so few friends, there was no one around, so all of this crap just kinda stewed in my head, cooked for too long, sat stagnant and got rancid, and this harrowing feeling of loneliness decided to keep me company. I hate that feeling. Because it causes this ridiculous lie to build in your head. You lose sight of your goals, you distrust food, you don’t approve of the rules of hygiene, and you look for methods of escape. For me? Binging on pointless, mindless reruns on my laptop. Hence the South Park marathon I had yesterday while eating a bag of corn chips. Sooooo not my style.
Then randomly, out of no where the post man delivered a huge bag. When I tore it open, skeins of all sorts of wonderful yarn fell out. Amazing, hand dyed yarn. A gift. From out of the universe fell in my lap the biggest smile you could have ever seen on my face. I spread the yarn out on my bed and just watched my little mind grow big with possibilities. I gingerly put the skeins with the rest of my stash, grabbed the cat, gave her a noogie (yeah, she loves them), turned off the South Park marathon and went on about my work. (oh, that mound UNDER the blanket is Mario. It’s 70 degrees and she, apparently, is a little chilly).
I know that I don’t have ONE person to talk to when needed, I have 10,000. So I come here to talk. This is why I blog so much and often about personal things. All of you out there (that I keep so close in here) are the one’s I share my life with.
Someone once asked me why I started my blog and I could only respond, “Because I needed to talk to someone….”
I thought about something I have always realized, but sometimes you need to tack to your ass on a Post-It Note when your head gets too far up your butt:
If you’re going to be strong in this life, if you’re going to pursue the hopes and dreams that wake you brightly in the morning with, if you’re going to find clarity, then it is necessary in life to push away all things that hurt you. ALL things. You must hold tightly to those things that bring a full heart, a charitable sense of human connection, and a sense of selfless purpose. You MUST.
My chocolate and cream bear is still up for adoption, which makes me nervous. Over the last couple of months, my ready made bears would be gone in a heartbeat. 10 minutes at most…..now, they’re taking days. I know I have a reputation for not delivering fast enough on the made to order bears from last spring. I know that. I read the posts. I read the comments. I spy on facebook on occasion and read the anger. I’m aware of it. All I can say is I’m trying my best. I really am.
But the bears I’ve been making lately are ready to go. Ready to be held and adored. Ready to be loved, ready to find new homes and new possibilities wherever they may go. Ready to find their new futures.
….I guess I am, too.
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