As much as I try to be optimistic and hopeful with this blog, there are some days where positive emotions elude me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We all have our slight moments where we have to recognize truth, let it fill us with harshness, deal with it, then proceed back into the lives that we’ve designed for ourselves. If optimism is what you preach, then optimism is what you will get. If pessimism is your tactic, then by all means, have all the pessimism coming to you.
The last two days have been my turn to reconcile with truths. I was ill again yesterday. My health isn’t getting any better. And because of my arm and teeth being as wrecked as they are, I know all of it is intertwined.
We made some chicken soup from scratch and had the bed set up for me to climb in and rest again. But, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going down again. There’s far too much to do. So, I sat in a chair with an afghan piled on top of me, sipped my soup, and did my knitting. While sitting there knitting, truth decided to scold me. I had no choice but to listen.
Teddy bear and book sales plummeted over the last month. And I do mean dropped. I am knitting as fast as I can, but it’s just not fast enough for some. And I understand that. Most of you have been so supportive and patient and you wait and wait and wait, and finally the bear arrives and I can’t tell you how kind it is of you to write me and tell me how worth the wait was. But, some have been disappointed. You have been loud, and I have heard you, and I apologize so deeply that I’m not knitting as fast as I once did. I truly do. I want you to be so happy when you finally get your bear and you realize what that bear represents, what that bear symbolizes. And I promise you. It really is the perfect teddy bear.
It would have made everything so much better for everyone had obstacles not slowed me down. But, they did. And it angers me that we could have survived a financial dip like this, had the IRS not confiscated the money we had scraped up to save. But, all of this is completely my fault. I can’t place blame on anyone. My health and finances are a result of choices I made five years ago.
Phillip’s hours were cut at the restaurant to 20 per week. He’s managing to keep at least those because he volunteered to take the position of dishwasher. Otherwise, I don’t think they would have kept him as a prep cook.
So truth quietly told me that I’m not getting healthier and that sales are down, finances are in the toilet. So, what do you do?
You pick your needles up and get back to work. You rest when you need to, push harder when you can, but you never ever back away and say, “I can’t do it.” Giving up has never been an option of mine. I wouldn’t have made it this far if it weren’t for my tenacious desire for a better life. And not just for myself, but for every single soul I touch with my writing and my bears. Be mindful! It isn’t a life filled with champagne and caviar, but a life honed in greatly on the simple.
So, I heard what truth had to say, acknowledged it, and squarely grabbed a space in my head where I could remain a fighting optimist, and got back to work. Health, arm, and teeth be damned…I have Phillip, Mario and Bacon, my books and bears to sell, and all of you to keep my heart warm. And all of that should get me through anything, right?
But, in all honesty, I’m awfully scared that we might not make it.
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