Enjoy, Hold, Stay….

I’m blogging tonight, because I need your help.

Withdrawing from life is easy, and I’ve never been very good at easy. I hold chin up, gaze at a biting challenge, and succumb to the charm of self reliance. And throughout this life of mine I have pushed and charged ahead.

It takes it’s toll. I’ve grown weaker. We’ve all seen it. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’ve seen less of me, but read more of me.  You know I’ve been growing physically weaker. I don’t dare show too many pictures of myself at the moment. Teeth poor, weight at 117. There isn’t much to see right now.

My ability to fight emotionally, mentally, and most of all, spiritually, rises higher and higher. From these hands I can express an interior moment of the soul that is blossoming and full of fruitful knowledge. I learn so much more every day. I taste the greatness of finding life on the inside. But, I look at these hands, as they grow craggier, and bonier and realize my body needs to catch up.

I don’t want to wither away. I will admit there are days I am terrified. Apparently, Phillip and Kara had a day together where they both discussed my health and their concern. And I only knew about it after I coaxed it out of Phillip. I was in bed, and he came in to hold me, but with tears in his eyes. “I’m worried.”

Most of the time I battle this bitterness with optimism, a yearning to push into the stratosphere a clinging desire for life that is unparalleled in my own personal history. I never wanted to be more aware, more attune, more involved with the souls of the world than I am now. But, sometimes I get a little worried, too.

And what can I do with that? Push harder. Sooooo much harder. I push and I push, do my best to forget.

…And then I have a day like today where it was always present. No matter what I did, what I said, how I behaved, someone remarked, “You doing ok?”

Just there, though, is where that spark of mine brightens beautifully. I’m a fighter, a survivor. This view out of my window of green trees fuels me with energy, the warm glow of the morning sun casting sparkles on the dew reminds me of the real jewels found in life; they are passing, temporary. Enjoy, hold and stay with them until they fade.

And dammit, I want more time to see all the beautiful things that the spring morning shows, I want more time to hold on to the spirit and the soul and to learn of what they can teach me.

It’s time to go to a doctor. No more dentists, I think we’ve gone past that, to be frank. I think we’ve moved into needing a doctor. So, with all of that said, I’m not ashamed to say that I need help. I need to see a doctor tomorrow. I don’t want to wither away. I need to keep selling my book. I need to keep pushing. I need to. I want to. At this point, my book is all I can offer. Until Phillip gets paid, my book is all I have to offer to bring in money.

“There stands the frail man among the giants…..Do they know he’s the strongest of them all?”

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15 comments

  1. There must be something available to assist you with medical coverage – maybe Medicaid? – if not, go to the doctor, hospital ER whatever, just go. You make a difference here in this sad, old wold with your words and the gift of your love. I wish I was able to help in a more concrete way, but I’m looking at eviction any day and no place to go. I know you would understand. The circimstances that have led me here were all beyond any kind of control available to me. You’re a bright light, Gregory. One I want to be able to read for years yet. Go. Get yourself medical help. There are a lot of us out here who care.

  2. I wholeheartedly agree. Be your own health advocate, fight for your wellness. We’re here fighting with you and for you but only one person can make the decisions and move ahead with an appointment. I think this has been a long time coming. Now is the time.
    Thinking of you.❤

  3. You have come this far and have fought to achieve so much and continue inspire all of who come across your your story and blog. Please go see a doctor tomorrow. I will keep you in my prayers now and always.

  4. praying all goes well for you, and that the docs can figure out what’s wrong, and the tools to help you get your strength back up!!! *Gentle HUGS*❤🙂

  5. I live alone.Pretty much all I do is go to work and come home. I’ve been by myself for the last 2&1/2 years since my significant other passed away. I keep telling myself one of these days I’ll find someone special for me. In the mean time, I just keep going. I found out last week that I have to move out of my place by May 1st. I have no idea where I will go next. I haven’t been able to go appt. hunting as I’ve come down sick with a cold and it’s all I can do to drag my weary self to work and home again. I know what it’s like to be alone and terrified. You aren’t alone. You have a man who loves you dearly, and two wonderful cats. For their sakes, please take care of you. Those teddy bears aren’t going to get done any faster if you don’t. They can wait. You can’t.

    Your friend,
    Zanna

  6. You definitely need to see a doctor … yesterday. At this point your organs must be approaching total failure. “I am so worried”!

  7. Gregory, you must see a Dr.! You can’t wait any longer. I had to go into the hospital last year for what they called a “tune up” I was in for 10 days and lost 67 lbs of water.
    Please, there are so many people who love you and care about you. There are agencies that will pick up the bill.

  8. Hi Gregory, so sorry to read your latest post.

    I hope lots of your followers will have reacted by now. I did, so please do not hesitate and have yourself visited by a doctor. Your well being is priority, all right my Friend ? Please keep me updated.

    Have a good day and till soon.

    G

    P.S. I am so glad you have Phillip with you, he is a very good Man.

    Ciao

  9. I am glad you are finally going to see a Doctor. Isn’t there a clinic in your area for those who are having a hard time financially? You can’t let this go on, getting down to 117 pounds is dangerous. Listen to Philip & Kara, get help for your poor body. If you want to appreciate life, you need to be alive. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but your at a crossroads with your health. We care about you.

  10. I lay here in my own physical pain, surrounded by trash and other signs of my own emotional/mental pain, and I just wanted to say I hope you are getting better. As one stranger who knows anxiety and pain to another. This blog entry touched me. I saw it because it was shared by one of your readers. Because this entry touched me, I’ve gone back and read earlier ones, and intend to go back and read more after I post this. I hope whenever you read this that it finds you with something of beauty nearby to warm your heart and that you use the strength within to climb back up to a healthier place.

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