I’m blogging tonight, because I need your help.
Withdrawing from life is easy, and I’ve never been very good at easy. I hold chin up, gaze at a biting challenge, and succumb to the charm of self reliance. And throughout this life of mine I have pushed and charged ahead.
It takes it’s toll. I’ve grown weaker. We’ve all seen it. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’ve seen less of me, but read more of me. You know I’ve been growing physically weaker. I don’t dare show too many pictures of myself at the moment. Teeth poor, weight at 117. There isn’t much to see right now.
My ability to fight emotionally, mentally, and most of all, spiritually, rises higher and higher. From these hands I can express an interior moment of the soul that is blossoming and full of fruitful knowledge. I learn so much more every day. I taste the greatness of finding life on the inside. But, I look at these hands, as they grow craggier, and bonier and realize my body needs to catch up.
I don’t want to wither away. I will admit there are days I am terrified. Apparently, Phillip and Kara had a day together where they both discussed my health and their concern. And I only knew about it after I coaxed it out of Phillip. I was in bed, and he came in to hold me, but with tears in his eyes. “I’m worried.”
Most of the time I battle this bitterness with optimism, a yearning to push into the stratosphere a clinging desire for life that is unparalleled in my own personal history. I never wanted to be more aware, more attune, more involved with the souls of the world than I am now. But, sometimes I get a little worried, too.
And what can I do with that? Push harder. Sooooo much harder. I push and I push, do my best to forget.
…And then I have a day like today where it was always present. No matter what I did, what I said, how I behaved, someone remarked, “You doing ok?”
Just there, though, is where that spark of mine brightens beautifully. I’m a fighter, a survivor. This view out of my window of green trees fuels me with energy, the warm glow of the morning sun casting sparkles on the dew reminds me of the real jewels found in life; they are passing, temporary. Enjoy, hold and stay with them until they fade.
And dammit, I want more time to see all the beautiful things that the spring morning shows, I want more time to hold on to the spirit and the soul and to learn of what they can teach me.
It’s time to go to a doctor. No more dentists, I think we’ve gone past that, to be frank. I think we’ve moved into needing a doctor. So, with all of that said, I’m not ashamed to say that I need help. I need to see a doctor tomorrow. I don’t want to wither away. I need to keep selling my book. I need to keep pushing. I need to. I want to. At this point, my book is all I can offer. Until Phillip gets paid, my book is all I have to offer to bring in money.
“There stands the frail man among the giants…..Do they know he’s the strongest of them all?”
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