Breaking Pain

Goodness, you should have seen the way I started writing this blog. Awful. This very post was not working well, my writing was off, my thoughts skewed. And I kept combating my own ideas for the sake of purpose. It was dark, hopeless, sad. And I don’t care for that. Nope. That’s not where I like my head to go. Should this all fall apart, it would be because I let go of faith, hope, joy; the same tools that have kept me alive and looking forward.

IMG_2636To lift my spirits I wandered out to the garden area next to our apartment building. There is a dilapidated old fence that has recently been brought to life by the blossoming eruption of a bougainvillea. Faintly, it’s petals bloomed with such an eerie speed, that it hid the neglect and pain of the fence nearly overnight. That was all I needed to set my mind right, so that I could write this blog properly. In moments of crisis, in moments of pain, it is imperative to strive to find beauty. That was the moment I needed.

Phillip mentioned last night how I don’t really tend to material things. A couple of flowers popping out of the ground and I’m content. I don’t need a car, don’t need the latest fashions, don’t need to be seen at the trendiest restaurants. I walk to enjoy the foliage as I stroll to where I need to go, get my clothes from the thrift store, and cook at home for my love and I from our garden. I cling to moments more than to materials. My book collection has come and gone, my yarn comes in and is knit up into teddy bears. Fleeting things, memorable things. I rarely hold my enjoyment to things that are held in the hand.

So, it’s been quite a chore for us to think about a wedding registry. Can  you imagine? We could use sheets and towels…..that was about it. But, even then, I was reluctant. What we have works fine. We don’t need a good set of china, nor do we need a Kitchen Aid. We don’t want a barbecue grill and we really love our dollar store Fiesta Ware. (It’s lovely really. Bright, multicolored and very sturdy…and each piece was a dollar).

What we wish for instead is to face each other on our wedding day as equals (that’s why we picked the equinox). But, more so, to see that the other isn’t in pain anymore. He hates seeing me in pain. Now, my health issues can’t be cured, but they can be contained for a long time. His? He has a cyst on his forehead that was marble sized a year ago, but has grown to a ripened golf ball. It hurts him, but he barely says a word. We always seem to be dealing with my health. Sometimes, he can’t help it though, and I can see him rubbing it and wincing.

Without pain, we’ll be able to move ahead without distraction, like we often try. Laughing mostly, big smiles when we can, and coy winks at each other just to remind each other of what we mean to each other. And hopefully we can break this loop and get up and going, really get going with our dreams. And those dreams would take us to such beautiful moments. Can you imagine if my book sold beautifully, if there were a teddy bear in every empty arm, and then…..Honeychurch? Can you imagine if we actually had Honeychurch? (Which we are hoping will be outside Micanopy, Florida. More on why there at a later date). And that’s how we break this cycle of physical pain that keeps us from getting ahead. We break it with joy, striving for beauty wherever we can find it.

We want to invite everyone, so we’re not sure where it will be. Most likely a park nearby, where there is enough space for anyone and everyone who wants to come and spend the day with us eating ribs, and coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans, and cornbread…..God, I hope I’m well enough to eat then!!! I miss all that SO much. And a chance for all of us to meet each other! What a beautiful thing that would be! To see all of you with me on such a great day. Try and come, if you can. We’ll let you know well ahead of time where it will be so you can just arrive when you desire.

IMG_2019So, that’s our wedding registry. Good health and a great wedding so we can start our lives together beautifully. And if that guy on kickstarter can raise $50,000 for a batch of potato salad, then we should be able to come up with a fraction of that to get our medical issues tended to and a great party for all of you who want to come to our wedding to say thank you.

Gonna go back to that bougainvillea and smile for a minute 🙂 Cheers.

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  1. So nice to see you both happy. ❤
    I'm sure the friends who know you would rather gift money. In fact, most people do that nowadays so I wouldn't worry too much about the registry.

  2. My thoughts are with you both…As a Brit, I find it truly appalling that you can’t get the medical aid you is barbaric that you should be in pain without help and have to resort to raising money to fund what should be every humans basic right…to be taken care of by a government that is voted in and paid for by it’s citizens. Our NHS may not be perfect (what is?) but Phillip’s cyst would have been removed within a couple of weeks at most, free of charge and your dental issues would also have been dealt with to relieve you of pain…cosmetic treatments (crowns/bridges/implants etc) are paid for, but there are schemes to pay monthly, and they aren’t that expensive, but dentures etc could be fitted at very little cost or most likely free as you are on a low income. The sooner America realises the value of supporting their peoples health is more important than buying arms the better! Sorry for ranting..seeing you suffer makes me cross.. I do hope a solution is found quickly..take care and continue to enjoy the beauty of nature..they at least haven’t slapped a price on that yet.. 🙂

    1. Actually Lynn, he can. We have free medical care for people in each state who don’t have insurance and are low income. It is called Medi-Cal in California and starts with the word “Medi” in each state. You have to apply for it and I think either he does have it or he won’t apply. He doesn’t seem to want to take “welfare” a fair number of Americans feel that way. It’s just a cultural difference. I have a medi-cal card and have friends in other states who have them too. So you are very mistaken that we don’t have free medical care for those in need. Perhaps he will address why he does not apply.

  3. Awwww….look at that cute blush you are sporting when Phillip gives you a smooch. Thank you for sharing that. Your wedding should be to please the two of you and no one else. That day is a day to celebrate your union. You don’t need a registry for that. I will keep you both in my prayers for the pain to be taken away, so that you both may enjoy life as your hearts’ desire. In the mean time check out the beautiful flowers around you. (It’s going to be raining all week where I am at.) And don’t forget to play with the 4 legged members of your family. They’ll bring a smile to your face every time. 🙂

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