Last night I hit my head on a shelf. I was busy running around and cleaning and not paying attention and lifted my head and WHAM! I rubbed my head quickly, saying beneath my breath, “dammit….”
Then it got louder. “DAMMIT!”
And finally I threw what was in my hand down to the ground and screamed as loud as I could, “DAMMIT!!!!”
Phillip came around the corner and asked what was wrong, I told him I had hit my head, he hugged me and said it was nothing. And that’s when I just started bawling. I just fell limp into his arms and started crying. All of these emotions I’ve kept close and quiet to myself just came flooding out. Somehow, I needed something to trigger an “on” switch to let it all go. I guess a hit on the head was the right thing at the moment.
With my head buried in his chest, I simply started talking through tears. “I’m so stressed out. I hit my head because I wasn’t paying attention because my mind is so focused on all this bullshit. I can’t get ahead. No matter what I do, I just can’t get ahead. I get one step forward and I’m pulled two steps back. I just can’t figure this out. I’m trying so HARD to be strong, but I’m…..still fighting just to stay alive.” He whispered into my ear, “What do you want to do about it?
I pulled from him, burying my face into my hands and said rather quickly, “I wanna get drunk and play cribbage.” He snickered a little.
“I need to get my head clean, I need a distraction, I need to get this off of me for a minute and do something different.”
We grabbed a six pack, played a few hands of cribbage (I won both! WOO HOO!) and listened to music. For a few hours I felt that great disconnect from the troubles at hand. When you get a chance to look at your issues in a detached way, you can truly see things in a better perspective.
At some point he looked at me and said, “Are you feeling better?” I just smiled and nodded and said, “Yes.” And we were crashed fast in bed asleep by 9:30. I slept for 6 hours. I haven’t done that in a long while.
It was some of the best therapy. It really was. The darkest part of fear is uncertainty. Not knowing will shred your soul into collapse. However, accepting whatever happens allows you a certain comfort. One of the Noble Truths. You accept your challenges and you deal with them the best you can. But, you cannot confront the perils in life without hope and people who love you….and a friendly hand of cribbage.
Sometimes a bear gets lost…..but, thank God, there are good souls out there ready to put you back on your path. I knit up this bear with that in mind. He was inspired by “Smokey, Jr.” He’s a little cub that was on the news recently because a wildfire seperated him from his mother. When the smoke cleared, the fireman found this little bear wandering through the ashes. He was barely touched by the blaze, he was strong, just…..lost. If you’d like him, click here. There is only one and he’s ready to ship with a signed card by me. And we really need to find him a home.
Or you can always help out by buying a book, or t-shirt.
If you appreciate this blog and would like for it continue, please donate. Every single bit helps.