Why You Should Never EVER Learn to Knit

To begin with, it takes too long, right? You want to knit a sweater or a pair of socks, but damn….a few rows in and you realize that this is going to take you a while. Well, that doesn’t really mesh well in our current “on demand” society now, does it? No. Easier to go get a mass produced darling that you can wear this evening. Why doesn’t someone come up with STREAMING knitting? Isn’t there an app for that? Can’t I app-knit a pair of socks? My app does everything else for me. Why won’t it KNIT for me? So basic….

You’ll be forced to slow down for a minute and pay attention. That’s just ridiculous. This is a fast paced world. You need to be on top, always push others out of the way to get what you want…..whatever it is you want!  Knitting just slows you down. Can’t imagine what knitters are thinking. They’ll never get ahead!

You’ll be forced to spend time alone with your thoughts. Foolish to think that you could ever be pulled away from social media. If you’re not constantly connected and being looked at, then how are to know what’s trending now, or what’s important? Look, you can’t honestly be asked to step away from what the Kardashians are doing to knit? What are you? CRAZY? OMG….I just missed what has happening on the RHWOBH while writing that. Meh….I’ll stream it from Hulu.

DSCF2040Knitters are always old women with shawls, blankets and baby booties that fit too tight. Who the hell wants to be in that club? Yeah, I know, we’ve seen svelte guys with beards and hot chicks with purple hair knitting, but it’s only because it’s “ironically” cool. I mean, he “literally” knit that beanie he’s wearing. “Literally.”

You have to learn how to read patterns. It’s like….duh? Why would I want to learn algebra again? Knitters have letters like SSK and K1FB…..who the hell knows what that even MEANS in a text? SMH…..

I don’t think Beyonce knits. So, that’s a no-go.

People stop and ask you, “What are you making?” And you’re like, “Ummm, did I accidentally ‘friend’ you?”

So, you should never learn to knit because you’ll be taken away from social media, won’t have what you want right when you want it, will always have to WAIT for something to be done when you can just go buy it, will be forced to spend time alone like the unpopular people, and you’ll be forced to learn something new. GAWD! I can’t find a stupid knitting emoticon!
Don’t bother learning to knit. You’ll only learn patience, solitude, self awareness and a (pffff) “skill.”

Thaz jus stupid imo

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9 comments

  1. Thanks for the advice about learning to knit. I tried learning tatting and only learned how to do a basic loop. Don’t have time for those because I am a man who does needlepoint copies of paintings from scratch. I start with a blank needlepoint canvas on which I sketch the basic design. Then I begin using a needlepoint needle and yarn to create the picture. Sometimes I do petit point stitches to show greater detail. I do these for my own collection and it takes several years for me to complete one. Talk about patience! I started one several years ago and now I can’t find the canvas. It is in this house somewhere.
    I love my knitted bear, so keep on keeping on making those. – WTC

  2. Love it! I will confess to listening to podcasts while knitting but the social media thing is a no go. I love to unplug my mind and be quiet and knit or spin. I sit on my deck on Saturday mornings starting around 7-8 and I’ll spin for a few hours. Sure my neighbors think I’m nuts, “that crazy neighbor with a spinning wheel in the early morning spinning and smiling”. Heh, call me crazy, I don’t care. I love to unplug and one day I’m going to relish getting rid of my cell phone and computer!

  3. Hah, I like this! And you haven’t even touched on the hornets’ nest of “but you can buy a ___ at Wal-Mart for less than $10”.

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