To answer some questions. Yes, I do am enduring Ensure. Tastes like crap. I’ll be on antibiotics, which I hate doing. They do their job. I’m just not a an of pills. They even prescribed an opioid, to which I kindly refused. I will NOT take pain pills of that degree. Some of you may think me crazy, but I can’t abide by the mad sloppiness, and addictive persuasion of a culture that screams, “Just take a few of these and you’ll feel fine.” I don’t want to hide the pain, I want to get RID of it.
Now, I have to confess, Phillip is rather cross with me. He hates seeing me like this. Pale, losing weight. “You could have….” is what he says. I push him with all my might and end up falling over. He laughs….sort of. I know he’s worried, because the man he sees is not the man he used to be. I know that. There is a solid reason I do not take pics anymore. I look dreadful. I look….I don’t want to say.
Now, I can’t be cross with him, because he cares. He knows I have no energy because I can’t eat. And yes, to answer another question, I do have a Magic bullet, but I’m not ready to put a cheeseburger in it for sustenance. I’ll stick to smoothies.
I’m so hungry, you have no idea.
I really have to confess, I’m a bit scared. I have NEVER felt like this before. I’m so tired. In the last week I’ve pretty much just STARED at things. My ambition has been wiped clean and I LOOK at things….I don’t pick them up and actually get to work on them. I just sit here….because that’s all the energy I can summon.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I want to finish my children’s book, want to finish my knitting. My head isn’t where it should be. My head is…terrified. Of all the things that have tried to beat me down, from being homeless, to the problems with the IRS, t my health…..of all those things, this is the one that is actually winning. And that’s what scares me. And I say with such heavy heart, I’m too tired to fight back.
So, antibiotics and smoothies. Long hours in bed sipping broth. More weight loss on an already 125 pound man. I hate this.
I HATE this.
But, I’ll fight it…..
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