Worst Husband Ever….

I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks, even before Thanksgiving, that I have been neglecting my husband. But, he said something today that stung. I was busy knitting and he tried to give me a hug and a kiss. And I foolishly resisted and said, “Not right now. I’m working.” He sulked away saying sadly to himself, “….but, you’re always working.”

I put my needles down and gave him a hug and started thinking back over the last month or so. I have been an terrible husband. Ever so focused on trying to get us ahead, ever so focused on my books and my knitting, that I forget about what matters so much to him, can be a distraction to me. Awful, isn’t it? He just wants affection from me, and I’m so busy whipping up teddy bears and writing that I dismiss tenderness. I try to justify it to him and say that if I didn’t work hard, we’d fall to the wayside, and I can’t have that happen again. It’s easier being homeless when you’re alone, but not when you have a husband and two cats. I work so hard because I never EVER want to be in that situation again. And in the process I forget the emotions that forgive us of our failures. There is no sense in working this hard if I lose the beauty that I have gained: our relationship. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. And in some respects, I work hard and unknowingly avoid the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I knew I screwed up at Thanksgiving. So busy with my own knitting and writing that I made a terrible Thanksgiving dinner. Two pieces of garlic bread with marinara sauce on top. I handed it to him and went back to work. When he asked, “What’s this?” I simply replied, “I don’t have time to cook dinner. I’m busy working.”

And as Christmas quickly approaches and as the ornaments we bought are still in a shopping bag, he asks why we still haven’t gotten our little tree. And I foolishly said, “I’ve just been too busy…”

I know he hasn’t had the best life. And the details of that are for his explaining, and not for me to indulge you with here on this blog. His life is personal, painful, his. He should be the one to tell you those things, not me.

But, there is that part of my soul that reaches so hard into the depths of ambition to give him a better life, only forgetting that what fouled up his life was that he was abandoned, forsaken….dismissed.

I could possibly be the worst husband ever because I work so hard to provide….but, don’t provide what is needed. I went through this as a child with my father. My father busted his butt to become a success. The sacrifice was that I never saw him. And when I did see him it was only to be punished. I don’t like comparing myself to my father. The man made some horrible mistakes….and never owned up to them. He, to this day, will tell you he did the right thing. And I don’t want to have that trait straight line itself into my own life.

(Funny, I can hear him in the other room laughing right now while he watches something on Netflix. I love his laugh. He’s a very forgiving man.)

I love that man more than anything in the world. And I want to give him the best Christmas he’s ever had. Not gifts and things. I want to give him my time. I want to make him a wonderful dinner. I want to restore what his past has damaged. Give him family, joy, laughter and hope. Give him Christmas.

Perhaps, with this, I can redeem myself and become “the best husband ever.”

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10 comments

  1. I don’t believe you are the worst husband ever. Think about all the things you could be doing to earn THAT title – abuse of any kind, emotional neglect, not working hard to pull your weight, etc.

    It’s about balance and it’s really hard to strike the right one. I’m sorry you have to work so hard to make things okay every month. And although I know it will cause anxiety to put the needles or mouse down to watch a show with Phillip, the needles and mouse will always be there.

    At the same time, I hope Phillip sees how hard you work and even though he’s left to his own devices, understands that it’s all for your family. You’re not working day and night to get the next promotion or raise. It’s a matter of black and white proportions – having a place to live or not, eating well or not.

    So, try not to be so hard on yourself. There’s always room for change but you’re doing the best that you know how. ❤

  2. What you’ve written here is a sentiment I hear and read a lot & have done for some time. The almighty dollar (and it is critical!) takes over & interrupts relationships. Who needs a tree? You’ve got plenty of scrap yarn, I imagine: you can tie on some ornaments & tack ’em to the ceiling. Or, use a few branches as a frame & knit a garland around it: tree. 😉 Where I am, tumbleweeds are great!

  3. Relationships take time. Take it from someone married 30 plus years…it takes time and experience to learn the rhythms of your partner. The important thing is to learn and keep learning from these issues. If you are meant to be, you will be.

  4. oh dear, my unmet friend, you are not the worst husband or even a terrible one. Just the fact that you recognize you might do better means you are not bad at all. You just said your dad could not recognize that in himself. You are many steps ahead in that aspect alone, the ability to see you need to make time for loved ones is an ability many people do not have until it is too late to rectify. You are more than you think you are, I hope your companion sees and appreciates all you do, you are there, you are working and you are making his life better, sometimes that needs to be enough too.

  5. Give him an hour a day. Just set it aside for him – two half hours, if it’s easier, four 15-minutes. Focus on him. Wash his hair, rub his shoulders, let the love between you grow; it’s still a new, young little seedling and it needs nurturing. You’re not a bad husband, you’re just new to it, and time spent feeling guilty and ashamed of your behaviour is time wasted – time you could be spending on him or letting him spend on you. Don’t ever be too busy for your husband. I’ve been married nearly 26 years and I’m still learning; I know I can get too focussed and too swamped with writing, but we have learned that I need to set aside time for my amazing husband.

    Love is a gift, and a gift is always a sacrifice.

  6. The longer you are married, the more often the “I’m the worst spouse ever” thoughts crop up. But not all the time (if you were truly the worst, the thought would never cross your mind). We are none of us perfect and so we all let down those we love sometimes. What makes us better spouses (or spice?) is that we can recognize it and make the changes.

    We are facing another “unemployed Christmas”. It means less money but it doesn’t mean that there will be less love and affection and togetherness. Sometimes our best, most memorable times are the ones that cost nothing but time.

  7. You’re not the “worst husband ever”. You are aware of your behavior and are amending it. There is a good deal to be said for being focused on providing the necessary things to just get by. In my own case, it would sure help if my spouse would try that hard. It’d make the behavoir I put up with more understandable and forgivable. I certainly would rather be told “I’m busy WORKING” and seeing the visable evicence of it than being snapped at when all that is being “done” is watching videos online. I’ve been trying to secure a paying job for a long time now, it’s hard when you have to deal with a physical disability and there isn’t enough money coming in to have the necessities. I’m sure you’ll be forgiven, your love shines through and you’re WORKING to make things better. I think it just comes down to being a bit more aware of what really matters every day.

  8. A wonderful post! It resonated a lot with me – I don’t have a partner – but I do have teenage kids & I’m working so hard at the moment I’m not getting time with them, last night I hit meltdown from being so tired and not feeling supported keeping on top of things at home. It’s so important to me that my artist work/knitting work and little wool shop work is successful so we can be self-sufficient. But we haven’t had any fun times (that didn’t involve me working at an event to get them there for free) even once this year! So I totally hear you and this – and on remembering what it’s all for, and letting go of work sometimes for the simple things, otherwise what’s the point? Thanks for sharing xxx

  9. I understand that you are working hard to try to contribute as much as possible. I get that. It breaks my heart. You have a wonderful man and someone to share your world with. That is such a Blessing!! You are rich in so many ways. Please don’t forget that HE is the the most important in your world. He’s there to hold you up when you are down and support you as you spread your wings. Please don’t lose the most precious gift you have.

    Blessings!
    ~Z~

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