And I Denied the Sun (Part II)

After posting last night, I had no interest in doing anything else. I ate half a cup of soup, tried to get some knitting done, but it just wasn’t working, so I decided to go to bed. It was an early night for Phillip getting home from work, but I didn’t even wait up for him. I just wanted….I dunno. I wanted to lay in bed and visualize my dream house, my “Honeychurch,” and drift into a dream.

I woke pretty early though, about 2am. As per my routine, I started the coffee and went to reading emails and comments. And I have to say, here it is just shy of 6am and I am so overwhelmed with how kind and caring all of your comments were. I was moved to tears. I really was. And thank you for all of the affirmations and reminders of how much we’ve accomplished, how far we’ve come from the beginning of this journey, and the humbling clarification that this blog, these words, really do affect people in positive ways. I can’t thank you enough for that. And in a perfect world, that would be enough, wouldn’t it? That love would be enough to fill whatever hole has been blown through me. That love would be enough to heal whatever illness I’ve been grappling  with since October. But, it isn’t a perfect world. So, to the doctor I go.

I had forgotten it was President’s Day, so finding a doctor today probably won’t happen. So, I’ll be heading out tomorrow. And doctors aren’t free, so I still have this bear and blanket set in my shop to sell. To keep expenses down, the Gay and Lesbian Community Center is a block from here. They do free testing for all of the things a gay man my age should have avoided years ago, but didn’t, and free counselors I hope to be able to talk to about the emotional issues I still deal with from my transition from homeless to functioning member of society. They’re closed today, too, but again, tomorrow looks to be busy. So, I guess we have a plan.

Today….I’m going to go back to bed for a while. I shouldn’t have gotten up so early, but there you have it. Phillip is off today. Maybe it would be a good day to just…..I dunno….hold each other for a while.

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  1. It’s not unusual to be pulled back into depression and fear. Sometimes you can’t fight the old “friends” you’ve lived with for so long. Their effect on you can be comfortable and familiar no matter how damaging they can be. As a long-time member of the Depression Club I find it’s necessary to wallow in the darkness a bit, but only a bit. I warn my husband to watch me and wait for me – if I don’t climb out in at least three days he encourages me to get help.

    It’s hard to let go of depression and fear, and sometimes it takes embracing them to realize how much they are a part of you, and that you can set them free for brighter times.

    Plus, a doctor and drugs.

    Good luck.

  2. Greg I am sorry I have been gone so long. I took quite a break from social media because in general I am disgusted with society. The meanness and spite that I see everywhere hurts me and my heart aches at the hatefulness of it all.

    I am heartsick that you are struggling. We all go through it and we all need help to do that. You have Phillip and your friends and you have us. Take it one minute at a time, sometimes that is all I can do.

    I hope the doctor can help find a solution to your illness and that the counselors can help you.

    I will be praying for you and Phillip.


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