Please Don’t Leave Me

I won’t take up much of your time. I just wanted to check in. I haven’t written much lately. To be frank, I haven’t been able to do much of anything lately. My enterprise is comprised of being in bed. I don’t have much energy for anything else. I have these interesting moments where I’ll get up, sit before the laptop, look at my knitting and somehow think I have the energy to accomplish what was once a bold and bright future. But, I can’t. I just don’t have the energy.

We still don’t have a diagnosis. We just don’t have it. I have my own suspicions about what it is but, I don’t want my head filled with uncertainty. I’m not getting better. I’m getting worse. 3am cough ups in the bathroom tell me pretty much what I need to know. In the meantime, Phillip has been truly helpful, wanting to know whatever it is he can do to make me feel better, anything at all. I told him, “Bring me spring. Bring it inside, put it around the windows, don’t let me miss spring. And put Howard’s End on a loop on my laptop….”

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know that this is my favorite time of year. But, unable to get outside for a long period of time, or to even leave bed, I asked my beloved to find me flowers to place around the house, plant them where I could see them outside the bedroom window, do whatever he could to bring me spring. And that beautiful man stuck a brilliant blooming hibiscus outside the window full of flowers. And little flowers, too. Wild ones, shamrocks and ground cover, all blooms that scream of new life all everywhere for me to see outside. Simple flowers please me. Simple pleases me.

I called my mother and asked her to come down, feeling her visit would make me feel better. Mothers always bring comfort. She’ll be here in a few weeks. She doesn’t live close, so it takes some planning.

In the meantime, my weight is still hovering around 107 to 110, depending on how much I’ve eaten, which is decidedly not very much. I just don’t have an appetite. Oh, if only I smoked pot….maybe that would fix my wagon.

And since I don’t have the energy to be as ambitious and as driven as I have been in the past…..I’m afraid you’re going to leave me. I don’t know why. Maybe because one less prayer makes all the difference, and I need as many of them as I can get right now. I really need you right now. I really do. I’m scared.

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  1. You and Phillip are in my prayers. I wish I could send spring from here, but we’re still deep in winter. I love seeing the flower photos you posted here; they remind me that spring is on its way, even here.

  2. I have been very worried about you and am happy to hear from you though still very worried. Thank you for letting us know. The flowers are lovely. You are in my prayers every day.

  3. Don’t EVER worry about me leaving! Never. Never Ever. NOT gonna happen. Not. I am sending you strength to deal with your present condition. And lots of love to smother you. And lots of hugs to keep you warm. And my shoulder is always available.

    You are loved. You know that.

    You are not alone. You know that, too.

    I will burn a candle for you on my personal altar in front of my Buddha. So he can watch over you when you are weakest.

    I will try to send a picture via email.

    Bright blessings and love,

    Janice Woodard
    Corvallis, Oregon

  4. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself. Thank god Phillip is there to be your rock.

  5. I’ve been checking your blog several times a day. How could I leave you? If you want prayers, you have them. Viene la primavera.

  6. Dear One…..I’m glad Phil wrote and let us know what’s going on. I’ve been worried and sending love, hugs and many prayers….please know you are loved.
    Billie Parish
    Eugene, Oregon

  7. I am not leaving. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to wait for your diagnosis. I am terrible at waiting. Perhaps if you knit a couple rows it will entice you to knit more. Sometimes if you push a little it helps. Your flowers are so beautiful, the bright colors. I too, am anxious for spring, green grass and flowers rather than dirty snow. Stay with us. I am not leaving.

  8. My grandmother was…. ill… and not able to leave her bed. I recommended Boost or Ensure – those meal replacement drinks – and those helped her to be able to get enough nutrition to move about a bit and stay with us for another 6 months or so. I think you are so well loved by Phillip. ❤

  9. Not planning on going anywhere. I’m sorry things aren’t better for you. I was hoping we hadn’t heard from you because things were on the upward swing. Lots of positive thoughts coming your way, in 3… 2… 1…

  10. know you are loved – i will never leave you.- eat orange jello – it’s what i did – at least it puts liquid in your body – and i weight a few pounds less than you do. — sam

  11. Gregory, I’m so very sorry to hear this. I haven’t written to you in some time because I’ve been dealing with my own challenges. But I have been following you. You have to get better, you simply have to. You have been lifted up, you lifted yourself up, you rose above your circumstances. And as you did, so have many others been lifted up as they have come to know you. You are uplifting. You are in my prayers.

  12. Peace and prayers, rest, chill and let things be. Worry about stuff wont help, rest and recharge. Keep well in your self and we will be here, we have been here through long walks for internet, through getting a space and making it yours, through finding Philip and new boots. We have followed your bear and then many animals and much love as well as illness. You are loved and we are here. Now rest and let it be. You are both loved by us, many of us, for yourselves, nothing more, nothing less, just be, we are here.

  13. Dear Brother, Your both in my thoughts and prayers. Try to remember “The chaplet of the divine mercy” every day at 3 pm. I know it will help and of course the Rosary. I love you guys. Yur such an inspiration to all of us. Sending Love and giant bear hugs from Eloy, Arizona. Hugs, Tobias…
    PS Tears in my eyes, my dear friend.

  14. you both are in my thoughts and prayers…. I’m kind of in the same position, not the morning hack ups, but a year of bone-crushing exhaustion. let’s pray for each other…. Love you both. Blessings of health and healing, and love and laughter….

  15. Hello from shivering England Gregory. I’ve only been following your blog a short while but I’m so sorry to know you’re not well at the moment. I just wanted you to know that all good wishes are being sent your way and you are being thought of from over “The Pond”.
    Having been a knitter and also someone who has tended to be a loner (not something to be ashamed of , I might add) and also suffering from fits of depression, I just hope you will be kind to YOURSELF and please understand it sometimes takes a very long time to feel something like right again, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. .
    I’m probably nearer your Mums age than yours so I speak from experience!
    Absolutely love your knitting, you have achieved so much and will do again, believe me.
    With sincerest warm wishes, never far from my thoughts. xx

  16. Praying for your comfort. I am a “helper” in this life and it breaks my heart that I cannot help you. I have followed you for quite a while now and realize just how much I adore you and Phil. I know you are a spiritual man, so look to your Higher Power for strength and comfort. God has a plan, an answer, a hope, a promise. He will not abandon you. Even though I have never had the pleasure of meeting you, you are a part of my world. I love you and will always pray for God’s will to be done. Hang in there, sweet man.

  17. Don’t panic, don’t sink into that ocean of malaise. We’re not going anywhere…except maybe to our yarn/fabric stash to knit/sew. Gotta keep our fingers busy while we worry about you!

  18. Thinking of you and praying for a diagnoses….and solution. Keep as much fluid in, ensure, etc.

    Hoping for brighter days!! Bless Phillip for the flowers..focus on the beauty! xoxo

  19. I’m someone who has been following you for a long time now, reading the blog and your books, from the (currently freezing) UK. I’m a quiet follower, not often inclined to leave comments, but I have always enjoyed reading your blog, and admired you strength and perseverance in tackling some of life’s challenges. The blog is engaging, inspiring, sad, tragic, wonderful and fun – perhaps not all at the same time, but you take us honestly through your life and its ups and downs. There are probably hundreds of us out here who follow you and will continue to follow you. Don’t give up hope – we are not going anywhere.

  20. Prayers for you Phillip during this worrying time. I pray for a diagnosis, for medical care to heal you, and for peace to come to you. Adding you to my daily list.

  21. I’m so sorry to hear you’re really poorly and wish you a speedy healing. I’m knitting kids strawberry hats to remind me that spring is really on the way and I’ll be planting out my strawberry plants soon ( we have unseasonable snow in the uk at the mo) whilst listening to music and great films and looking through summer plant catalogues. Much love xxx

  22. I am going nowhere. I’ve followed your blog since 2014–I am not walking away now. Your grit and determination have inspired me. I’ve grown to love you, Phillip and your kitteh family.

    Oh and that corner to corner blanket crochet is giving me fits. Thank you. I needed the challenge.

    You and Phillip’s names will be on my family altar. My prayers incense and chanting are for the best possible outcome for you and Phillip.

  23. I’m not going anywhere, Gregory. You and Phillip have been and will stay in my prayers. Take good care of yourself. Don’t worry about the rest, take it, you need it. It is comforting that you have Phillip and that you’re not alone. May you receive the healing you need and may the days brighten for you both.

  24. I am here too. Have Phillip give you a big squishy hug from me. I have been and will continue to pray for you. Take care of you and if you cannot post have Phillip post something so we know how you are.


  25. Dear, sweet Gregory, there are too many of us that love you and Phillip. You will never been alone or forgotten. Now, get back in bed and take care of yourself! xoxo

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