I won’t take up much of your time. I just wanted to check in. I haven’t written much lately. To be frank, I haven’t been able to do much of anything lately. My enterprise is comprised of being in bed. I don’t have much energy for anything else. I have these interesting moments where I’ll get up, sit before the laptop, look at my knitting and somehow think I have the energy to accomplish what was once a bold and bright future. But, I can’t. I just don’t have the energy.
We still don’t have a diagnosis. We just don’t have it. I have my own suspicions about what it is but, I don’t want my head filled with uncertainty. I’m not getting better. I’m getting worse. 3am cough ups in the bathroom tell me pretty much what I need to know. In the meantime, Phillip has been truly helpful, wanting to know whatever it is he can do to make me feel better, anything at all. I told him, “Bring me spring. Bring it inside, put it around the windows, don’t let me miss spring. And put Howard’s End on a loop on my laptop….”
If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know that this is my favorite time of year. But, unable to get outside for a long period of time, or to even leave bed, I asked my beloved to find me flowers to place around the house, plant them where I could see them outside the bedroom window, do whatever he could to bring me spring. And that beautiful man stuck a brilliant blooming hibiscus outside the window full of flowers. And little flowers, too. Wild ones, shamrocks and ground cover, all blooms that scream of new life all everywhere for me to see outside. Simple flowers please me. Simple pleases me.
I called my mother and asked her to come down, feeling her visit would make me feel better. Mothers always bring comfort. She’ll be here in a few weeks. She doesn’t live close, so it takes some planning.
In the meantime, my weight is still hovering around 107 to 110, depending on how much I’ve eaten, which is decidedly not very much. I just don’t have an appetite. Oh, if only I smoked pot….maybe that would fix my wagon.
And since I don’t have the energy to be as ambitious and as driven as I have been in the past…..I’m afraid you’re going to leave me. I don’t know why. Maybe because one less prayer makes all the difference, and I need as many of them as I can get right now. I really need you right now. I really do. I’m scared.
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