Sometimes you share too much, sometimes you don’t share enough. I get that a lot. I guess it all comes down to what you value in your life as private versus public. So, I guess when I haven’t written in a while, it generally means that I want to keep my thoughts private for moment.
But, I have to break out of whatever this is and just start talking. Rather than being too cerebral and write a nice and tidy little blog post, I thought I’d just talk…..Ramble. I’ll try not to hit the backspace button too much. I’ll try and keep it honest and unedited.
I don’t know where my head is right now. I can’t explain it, but I just have this MASSIVE disinterest in everything. And I do mean everything. This isn’t something trite like boredom. No, this is an emotional disconnect from the things that used to make me smile. And I don’t know why….
I know it’s a symptom of depression, but why am I depressed? Yes, I’ve always had tumbles, but I always bounce back….Maybe I’m just getting too old and tired to keep bouncing back.
Maybe because I’m burnt out. Maybe my heart just isn’t in it right now…I truly don’t know. Regardless, this is not the best time for me to be incapable.
As usual, I set out to push myself to knit enough teddy bears to finish paying off rent….and the more I pushed….well, ironically the less I actually knit. I felt like I was moving slower than normal, took too many longing glances out the window between rows. Found a reason to do anything other than knit…or write for that matter.
I take that back. I knit a teddy bear today. He’s not for sale, he was asked for…in pink. And I did write a paragraph or two….
Like I said, I just don’t know where my head is. I think I’m not dealing with things very well. Someone sent my an email, they spent a very nice long time giving specific advice, suggestions and comments about my….well, my panic, my fear, my dread in the failure that is Mad Man Knitting. He said in so many words, “trying to repeat the same thing over and over because it worked before, doesn’t mean it will continue to do so.”
So…what do I do now?
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