A Footnote on Depression

Sometimes you share too much, sometimes you don’t share enough. I get that a lot. I guess it all comes down to what you value in your life as private versus public. So, I guess when I haven’t written in a while, it generally means that I want to keep my thoughts private for moment.

But, I have to break out of whatever this is and just start talking. Rather than being too cerebral and write a nice and tidy little blog post, I thought I’d just talk…..Ramble. I’ll try not to hit the backspace button too much. I’ll try and keep it honest and unedited.

I don’t know where my head is right now. I can’t explain it, but I just have this MASSIVE disinterest in everything. And I do mean everything. This isn’t something trite like boredom. No, this is an emotional disconnect from the things that used to make me smile. And I don’t know why….

I know it’s a symptom of depression, but why am I depressed? Yes, I’ve always had tumbles, but I always bounce back….Maybe I’m just getting too old and tired to keep bouncing back.

Maybe because I’m burnt out. Maybe my heart just isn’t in it right now…I truly don’t know. Regardless, this is not the best time for me to be incapable.

As usual, I set out to push myself to knit enough teddy bears to finish paying off rent….and the more I pushed….well, ironically the less I actually knit. I felt like I was moving slower than normal, took too many longing glances out the window between rows. Found a reason to do anything other than knit…or write for that matter.

I take that back. I knit a teddy bear today. He’s not for sale, he was asked for…in pink. And I did write a paragraph or two….

Like I said, I just don’t know where my head is. I think I’m not dealing with things very well. Someone sent my an email, they spent a very nice long time giving specific advice, suggestions and comments about my….well, my panic, my fear, my dread in the failure that is Mad Man Knitting. He said in so many words, “trying to repeat the same thing over and over because it worked before, doesn’t mean it will continue to do so.”

Amen, brother.

So…what do I do now?

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5 comments

  1. I am sorry to read you’re burned out, hit a wall. This particular post really speaks to me. Most every day I work for my income, then come home to care for my disabled husband. Even on my off days I work at all day.

    Maybe you need to stop thinking about Mad Man Knitting, writing, and knitting. Perhaps getting outside to enjoy the sunshine, the breeze brushing past you, chirping birds with no particular destination in mind if you’re comfortable being away from home a little while. Or, perhaps having friends over. Simple. Just pizza. Do you & Phillip get to the beach very much? In short, maybe it’s time to take a vacation from thinking so much and spend more time to just be.

  2. I understand where you are. I’m going through this too. You are not alone. I have a sweater that sits and glares at me. So I did something completely different. I worked on geneology for a little bit. Sometimes you just need to get lost in something else. Fall down a different rabbit hole. The bears are gorgeous… why not develop limited edition cousins to the bear – a rabbit, tiger?

  3. Like kstwild said, BREATHE! And know you have a huge support system that is here for you. I suffer from depression due to chronic pain. I’ve had migraine for 20 months, now. I allow myself to have a down day, but I won’t let myself move in. Please reach out if you need to talk, vent, scream, whatever. We are here for you!

  4. Sounds like you’re feeling bummed about what you’re not doing. Maybe it’s time to take a break from doing, and just be. I know “being” doesn’t pay the bills, but sometimes you have to just be. And think about all of us out here who don’t need you to do or be anything. We’re here for you because you’re you. Hang in there.

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