Well, I obviously had to tell Phillip that we were going to be late paying rent. I wasn’t hiding it from him….I just thought that I’d be able to take care of everything before time ran out. And if you’ve read my previous posts, that just didn’t happen. So, I finally had to tell him at the last minute and he was obviously very disappointed in me. I don’t think he was mad, just….disappointed that I waited to tell him.
It’s my fault. Of course, it is. I should have tried harder, should have focused on necessity, rather than routine. Should have hallowed out a Plan-B. Should have always been considering a contingency.
And then it quickly came down to a discussion about the last two months. What happened? Why aren’t you making money? Aren’t you selling books and bears? Come to think of it, when was the last time you actually wrote something?
Then our conversation really took a turn.
“You either need to play the game, or get out of the way and let someone else have a chance. You wanna know why your career is in trouble? Because everyone else has moved on! Everyone except you! You’re still living like you did ten years ago! Yeah! For the last 10 years you’ve been living hand to mouth off teddy bears and books and not doing too much better when WE all know that you are capable of so much more!
“You are insanely talented. You can go soooo much further that it would amaze people! But, you haven’t….which tells me that you’re afraid. Everyone else has moved on and you’re still right where you were 10 years ago! You may have gotten used to constantly struggling, but I don’t wanna do it anymore. THAT is why you’re depressed. You keep thinking about what you’ve missed out on by being this isolated, this stuck in a rut.
“You need to get on board with everyone else, Gregory. You wanna win? You wanna do better? Then you need to get on board, Gregory and start taking this seriously. Your lap top is almost 10 years old, you don’t have a phone….it’s like you’re dicking around with MySpace while everyone else is posting to Instagram! Now, get in there and prove what you’ve got! I, for one, like many of your readers are HUNGRY for you to finally get in there and WIN one for them!
“YOU are capable of ANYTHING! You’ve already proven that!”
It was one of those stone-cold talking to’s that set my soul to a blank stare. I just sat there looking at him while “eureka” and “embarrassment” wrestled each other for my attention.
He set off to work and I had the day to sit here and either over think what he had just said, or I could shelve all that and just get to work. I knit three bears yesterday. I haven’t done that in a long time. I completed one with stuffing and sewing. The other two, I’ll be tackling today. I did a little writing last night, nothing earth shattering, but as someone told me, “Your writing is like an instrument. Always fine tune and practice, even if it’s only three sentences a day.”
The whole time I was working, I was actually thinking how right he was. Desperate changes need to happen. Not soon. Now.
So, that’s the plan. Finish paying rent, then get a phone, fling myself into the 21st century, show up to everything, post everywhere, nauseate the crap out of naysayers, get a laptop, write more beautiful things, utilize whatever software I have for maximum media targeting, print and publish a bestseller, buy my little Honeychurch in the country and grow flowers. Easy, right? Piece of cake.
But, finish paying rent first.
That one bear I finished is in the shop. I’ll post the others as they are finished, so check back. And if it takes me knitting 20 bears non stop for as long as it takes, then I’d better get the coffee started and get to work.
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