I asked Phillip to help me take some photos of my shawl and bear set this morning. As I was going through the photo roll, I couldn’t help but see this candid photo he took of me while I was getting ready. And I was horrified….
I saw this frail, tired, hardened and sad little man trying to hold himself up. I saw this man with a broken spirit and battered soul plastered all over his face. I saw this man with eyes that were once big and wide with wonder, now sagging with a sadness. His posture looked haggard, his clothes hung from his frame with this tender heaviness.
I looked at Phillip and stammered, “I look awful….”
He didn’t try to appease my ego, he didn’t try to lie. He just looked at the ground. Yes, there is a reason I don’t look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I already know, I just….don’t want to see it.
For the last month or so I’ve discussed with intimacy my weight loss and my struggle with a strange depression that has taken grip of me. And I am desperate for a retreat. I truly want to take care of my health for the moment, and unplug from Mad Man Knitting so that I can tend to Gregory. There is no way any of this is going to get better if I don’t step away for a moment. I don’t see myself getting any better going down this road. And I’ll be perfectly honest. I am scared to death right now.
Rent is practically paid, just a few dollars off, we’ll have groceries for a good solid block of the month, so selling two of these shawls would really help me have all the bills covered so that I can take a moment to heal myself. I look sick. I really do. I don’t feel sick, I just feel…..heart broken and sad…and I don’t know why!
But, I really need to take care of this whole situation, not publicly, not pressured to constantly knit or blog. I need to wake up with no other intention other than to eat, go to counseling, and heal. I need to be humble for a while, admit to something that is slowly destroying me, and take care of it. And rather than do all of that right here on this blog, with too much worry about how this might affect the number of followers I have, I need to be just some guy named Greg.
The shawls are in my shop.
I love you. All of you. I’ll let you know what happens….
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