Cluttered Head, Anxious Heart

…then suddenly, a hush.

A few blog posts back I was discussing an argument that kept ricocheting in my head, a venomous confrontation I was anxious to have with someone. Rather than proceed with that ridiculous reaction, I decided to forgive them instead. I sent an email with no subject line and no postscript. It needed to say only three words. “I forgive you.”

I’ll be damned if I didn’t notice today that the crazed confrontation I was having with this person in my head stopped. There have been days where that anger towards them has kept me from being truly alive. And at the same time, no matter what I did, no matter what positive affirmation I gave myself, that anger still found a way to brew within me, braising on the countless things I wanted to say to them.

But, the better part of me realized that I had no hope in saving myself from a continued life of pain if I didn’t utter just three words, praying that those three words could clean the both of us of history, allowing us to see each other as we are today….as adults, as people, as individual souls no longer bound to each other by bad memories.

It’s very hard to forgive, because you also have to let go of your own emotions. You have to wipe them clean and leave a tabula rasa ready to be filled with new memories, new feelings. It’s difficult to forgive because you have to let go of whatever malicious motive has fueled you up until now.

Once you forgive, you can no longer claim that your life is limited because of your victimhood. Once you forgive, you release someone else, and yourself, of an inequality. Because that is what forgiveness is supposed to correct: you have wronged me, but I love you enough to forgive.

And that is very hard to do when you are shackled with resentments and grievances. You cannot embrace the idea of justice with a full heart, if your mind is constantly replaying injustices over and over like some crazy carousel in constant rotation. You just spend your day being pained over and over again.

….or you can forgive, be done with the matter, and move on.

And yes, there has been a sense of lightness because of that; a noticeable easiness that allows me to proceed in life with a desire for joy. I no longer have boundaries, I no longer have limits.

Because I truly have learned that when you forgive someone, you ultimately recognize that you love them, truly love them, and want them in your life. I could say three words to this person, or nothing at all, forever, amen….and I hated the idea of that. I hurt at the thought of that. Because I love them….

What can I say? With all the clutter in my head being cleaned up, my heart is anxious to get in on the action. My mind had already resigned itself to forgiveness….my heart was just one beat behind.

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2 comments

  1. I am sorry I am late in catching up on your posts. I am so happy! It is an amazing feeling isn’t it. A release, a weight lifted. Makes all the difference. I am jumping up and down and squealing for you.

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