It’s just shy of 9pm, two days before the first of the month and I’m knitting a teddy bear. This will be my third for today. You wouldn’t know Halloween was just a block or two away on the calendar. The weather isn’t willing to give hints of what she’ll do this year. Sometimes, there is a crispness in the air, or falling acorns will smatter with a crash on the older bungalows, or a wayward maple leaf will waft by giving a simple illusion of what Autumn must be like up north.
Then in other years Halloween is a battleground where Summer is doing her best to give us one last bashing with her powers of humidity.
I take no shame in saying once my errands were done for the day I walked proudly around the house with very little clothes on. I had on my knit socks, my beloved Okabashi, a pair of boxer briefs, and a bandana around my neck I could use as a mask should I need to answer a knock at the front door….scantily.
I didn’t dare turn on the air conditioning. I can’t afford it. Not right now. I believe the A/C that cools this house is from the 1990’s, possibly earlier. It just hobbles me how much that thing gobbles up energy.
So, back to knitting a bear in my lap, when I suddenly snap and realize that I was sweating, miserable, nauseous even….and every last bit of that self denial was my own fault, my own doing. I had written the answer to my problems right up there in the last paragraph. “I can’t afford….”
Then I got up to get some water from the fridge…..and noticing how empty and bleak the icebox was, I was quick to see what my first thought would be. “I can’t afford gro-” …and I had to stop myself.
I went outside to grab our laundry. Phillip was going to need work clothes in the morning. I pulled out this pile of faded, over worn, sometimes thread bare clothing, all of it, even his uniform for work looking as if they would come apart at the seams. We haven’t bought clothes for ourselves in five years. I take that back. We allotted ourselves $20 each last month so we could buy new underwear. Again….I waited to see what my first reaction as I stuffed the hamper. “I can’t afford new clo-” …and I had to stop myself.
At practically every turn I was able to excuse the conditions I have allowed myself to live in because the premise of why I couldn’t have anything more was buried in the way that I perceived everything about myself, my life, my career: I can’t.
Those two words clearly started every thought, every mental sentence, was heard in discussions between my husband and I, was written about extensively on this blog. But, most importantly, those two words were heard by the Universe well before It heard anything else: I can’t. So, the Universe had no choice but to answer in kind, “Then that’s what will be….”
There is a horror in realizing that you have limited your own potential because of fear. As an agoraphobic working through the walls of that impediment, I began to wonder if the fear that kept me so isolated was really about fear of the outside world…..or if possibly, I didn’t feel I was worthy of being out there, that I didn’t like myself enough to be apart of it? No matter where we have lived, I’d find a room, lock myself inside, and sigh and connect to people through simply the posts on this blog. And that same dislike for myself, did it prevent me from extending myself out there to publishers, to agents, to even more readers? I was sitting here in misery, waiting for something to happen, rather than moving past that cracked glass and getting anything and everything I’ve ever wanted.
The more I thought about it, the more I saw that everything I have and everything that I don’t is because of a fear that manifests itself every chance it can with the premise, “I can’t….”
And there is also a horror in the realization that you are talented, you affect people’s lives, you inspire people. Do you know the first quiet reaction I give myself when someone emails me that I give them hope? I get terrified! Absolutely anxiety ridden.
“I can’t take responsibility for that….that’s too important. I’m not that important….I’m nobody.”
Really? Nobody? Other people seem to see me as someone of tremendous value. Why don’t I? The Universe whispered in my ear, “You move people to emotion. People want you to know they love you for who you are. Why is that so hard to receive? Do you love them? Of course. You just don’t think you’re worthy enough of their love, because you haven’t been able to love yourself.”
The beautiful thing about the Universe is that it will answer your questions if you simply ask. “You are afraid of loving yourself….And before I can bless you with anything you want, I need you to love who you are, because I love you enough to have given you this experience of life.”
So, I went to bed with an exercise. I didn’t want an affirmation to set me at ease. I didn’t want words to clog the stream between me and the Universe. I wanted to just feel that love. I wanted to spend time just knowing it, not thinking about it, but experiencing it reciprocally from the deepest reaches of the Universe to the lowest part of my heart, then back again. And with each heavy dive into slumber, the distance between those two extremes was drawn closer and closer, to just that part of lucid dreaming where I felt completely, totally at ease for the first time in my life.
That is the power of God’s love.
I woke up this morning 9 hours later, which is incredibly odd for me. I sleep maybe 4 to 5 hours at a time. But, not last night. I was blessed with a good night’s rest. So, I bounced out of bed, leapt over sunbeams, smacked my big toe against a box fan, tripped on a cat and scrambled for the kitchen to make coffee. I was elated, joyous! I was ready to start this day with that same connection to that bliss that I fell asleep with.
I was filled with such a desire to inspire myself. I couldn’t wait to spend time loving my art, loving my craft, loving my life….and loving myself. I could not wait to start the day with a new approach to every thought, or mental sentence with, “I can….”
Universe, I am ready to receive the blessings of having a profitable blog and a bestselling book. I am worth that. I can have that. 🙂
More tomorrow! Love you!
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