I struggled today. I really did. I struggled with trying to believe in my faith. Now, that isn’t to say that I was suddenly doubting whether or not I believe in God….but, it actually was like that.
I do not doubt His existence. Never would I ever let the words, “I don’t believe in God,” fall from these fingertips. (Damn, I just did). But, I was challenged in my belief that He will provide.
I was struggling to sell today, yesterday, the day before, and considering the struggling I’ll be met with tomorrow just to sell to keep the lights on, to feed myself, to take care of whatever madness suddenly happens….
I kept staring at the internet, watching my own panic erupt into a state that was probably necessary for the moment. For in those moments of panic, I swore I heard God whispering in my ear, “Would you please calm down? Have I not made sure you are fed? That your health is tended to? That you have friends? When you’ve not needed and asked, Have I not given you what you asked of Me?”
Suddenly, it was like Psalms were swaying in my head, lilting with beautiful imagery of a man who keeps trying to remind himself that yes, God will provide….but, still doubting the whole time.
And I kept dropping the price of my cushion cover and undervaluing myself because I was afraid if I asked too much, it wouldn’t sell. And if it didn’t sell, then I can’t pay the internet bill. And that would be a disaster.
Then God said, “It won’t sell right now.”
“Because you still don’t trust that I will take care of you, Gregory….Please, just believe that I will give you everything you ask for, and even MORE, if you will let Me. That is all I want to do for you. That is how much love I have for you. I want to give you, provide for you everything you want. But, you have to trust me.”
“I ask only three things. One, that you trust that I love you and will give you everything you wish. Second, I ask that you love yourself, for in doing so you reflect on how you are a beautiful spark in the fire that is Me. When you do so, you feel how much love we have for each other. Third, that love and warmth that we share, I want you to share with your husband, for he is the first person near you now. Share with him the love that You and I feel for him and all others at any given time, and I will give you everything that you’ve ever asked for…..”
So, this is one of those moments where I forget about embroidery, knitting, selling, promoting, writing; I put this blog post down, grab my husband by the hand, sit outside as the sun goes down and just relish in that feeling.
Because I trust Him. I believe everything is going to be ok….
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