I thought I’d clarify a few things about my last blog post.
To begin with, Phillip and I still love each other deeply. We just cannot live together, not right now. This photo was taken just a few minutes ago while we were talking about our separation with reason….not with emotion. We were watching “Downton Abbey” (our go to for ‘feel good’) and were off handedly discussing how much we were looking forward to time apart. There are so many things we have realized that we cannot give each other, things that we both separately, desperately need if we are going to find any sort of happiness with ourselves, let alone each other.
My reasons are not that complex, not that hard to fathom, but some of you read it as fatal :). I want to live alone, live a solitary life, working on my craft….for in those moments I find myself closer to God. In those moments I often work in silence and tend to feel the contemplative nature of whatever it is that I am doing while in a creative state. I want to pursue that with every rigorous desire you can think of: to be aligned as often as I can with God. That does not mean that I want to run away from the world, shut myself away and be left alone. No, no, no!
You don’t desire to live a solitary life, or even something similar to a monastic life, if you are not thoroughly prepared to embrace the world while separated from it. You step aside for a while so that you can reflect on how much you LOVE the world. You don’t dash off to be alone with anger….because anger will just end up being your roommate. I want to live alone, live something close to a monastic life, so I can spend more time writing to you, embroidering for you, because that is when I am happiest, closest to God, closest to myself, then therefore, allowing myself to be close to you, all of you, humanity at large.
No, you don’t decide to live in any sort of solitary tradition with a disdain for life. The solitary life requires a desire for riches in life, in blessings, in prayers, in gratitude, in co-creating, in the love of simplicity, in the desire to connect to the soul, (not just mine, but yours, too), in the reaching for the best possible feeling of joy you can ever imagine, lived nearly every moment of every day….THAT is why you decide to spend time with God.
You NEVER say “God, I’m coming to you because I cannot tolerate people.” He’ll likely slam the door on you. And you’ll be stuck with you and your dislike of everything….and I do mean everything. But, if you hear God saying, “Come over for a minute, let’s spend some time together. Just you and I,” you begin to feel a sense of desire that is toward a feeling of beauty, rather than a focus of bitterness. When done well, that feeling of beauty can and should become a way of life….because that reach for those moments of bliss and joy are where life suddenly begins to make sense. If anything, you learn life is more rewarding when you find that you would rather pursue moments of joy as often as you can, rather than stewing in a vat of the things you find bitter about existence. Stay here and be angry….or move towards a desire for joy.
And that is why Phillip and I still love each other deeply. We are helping each other to find happiness, and seeing the results…The realization of how good moving forward is keeps reminding us that there isn’t a desire to end something between us, but a desire to help each other in whatever it is the other is seeking. There is a deep bond there.
So, yes. I will still be blogging and writing and embroidering and….whatever else my hands decide to design. I am not LEAVING anything, nor anyone (definitely not Phillip, and certainly not you). 🙂
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