The Fear of a Return

I know I need to be patient. That’s what I keep reminding myself. It’s only the second day of the month, I still have at least 22 of them to make a go of this. If I get a little job, knit a ton of teddy bears, push my new book….I’ll be ok, right?

Well, it isn’t feeling like that. It’s actually a lot more frightening than I had anticipated. The job is harder than I thought. I am having a difficult time being out of the house. And I keep reminding myself that this agoraphobia set in a good 5 years ago, it’s not going to be fixed overnight. But, if I at least attempt to fix my brain and return to a normal life, then I feel I’m progressing.

I finally knit my first bear in nearly a year. I remembered how quick I was at knitting them up, but….I’m not as fast as I was before. 🙂 My hands haven’t moved in that way in so long, they’re still getting adjusted to the madness I use to make of them with knitting needles in hand. If it takes me 10 hours to knit one, as opposed to my usual 5 hours back in the day, then I keep telling myself that this is a minor setback, you’ll get your flow back, but if you at least try to use that bear to help guide you to the next chapter, then I’m progressing.

209537547_2025861300895875_4008941143287180702_nIn a week, Phillip and I will be officially separated financially on paper. We both had to be patient with that. But, basically he won’t be paying for any part of my life or bills, nor will I be contributing to his. We will be responsible and accountable only for ourselves. But, we do what we can to help each other in whatever way we can. He knows I don’t have very much money so he brings home burgers from the restaurant. I know he’s pressed for time, so I’ll do his laundry for him. But, actually making that move to end joint finances was progress, even if I ended up with nothing. Honestly, I’m letting him have the furniture, the dishes, everything. I leave with my laptop, my clothes, a few books and a cat…..

….and maybe that’s the part I’m having a hard time with. It’s a little too reminiscent of how this journey began so long ago. And I think that scares the hell out of me. Yeah, I really do feel scared at the moment. I still don’t have anywhere to go, but I hope where ever I land, it will be progress….and not a return to an old life I have fought to get rid off.

Thanks for listening.

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3 comments

  1. Hi Gregory, it’s elaine. I don’t blame you for being scared. I would be terrified. As I read your words… one step at a time, one day at a time and always move forward… goes through my mind over and over.
    So, with all that is good watching over you and walking beside you, things will turn out right.
    Exciting things are in your future! Can’t wait to hear about your new place ~

  2. Sorry, if I were related to you, I could not bear to see you in such anguish and pain, and that’s the truth. Oh, and by the way, you can ask my brother, he’ll tell you. He even stayed with us and I made his meals for him and gave him a bed while he relocated back to my area.

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