I’m writing from bed today. No worries, nothing is wrong! I’m relaxing…
I spent some time pounding the pavement today, walking into big box store after big box store only to learn right away that I didn’t need to do this. By the time the third store said, “Oh! You can apply online,” I realized I should just go home, get out of that desk chair, get comfortable….and tell as many people I could in the employment world how valuable I was.
Now, for an agoraphobic this is massively interesting. Because it could cause some damage.
It is too EASY for me to sit at that desk chair all day afraid of the world, communicating only through words that are seen on a page….The issue is pivotal, because it helps my agoraphobia. It makes it too easy to never leave my home.
I could apply for a job online, use my phone to work for a call center while sitting in my underwear, order my groceries from Publix and never….ever….leave again. I could find a job working from home, but I don’t want that anymore. I want to be free from the fear of leaving…..
(woah) Had to stop for a second. That kinda stung my soul while I wrote it. “afraid of leaving…..”
I don’t need to spell that out. You’re all smart enough to know where my head was going just then, without even my realizing it while putting it to pen: afraid to leave Honeychurch, Phillip, my home.
I’m not the only one in history who purposely built a fortress to keep himself safe from the world, only to then claw at every stone with bloody fingertips with a desperation hoping to get out one day.
I NEEDED to go business to business, door to door, asking if something was available. When I discovered I could do this online, I came back home, grabbed the laptop, plopped into bed and said, “Ok, world….someone out there could really use me right now.” Nothing crazy. Three hours a day, a few days a week to start, just so I get my sense of safety being outside back. I need to wade in the shallow end of the pool for a minute before I go diving into the deep end.
But. don’t misunderstand me. I want to dive into the deep end!
It’s a bit like someone in recovery asking for help. From my personal experience, I’ll go ahead and say that agoraphobia is an addiction. It lures in at first with the promise of you feeling better, safer. Then before you know it, the first attempt you make to go outside, (to be free of it!) like any other addiction, it will wrestle you to the ground with its hold over you and keep you bound. You make no decisions without consulting your addiction. You plan your day around this addiction. You plan your life, your career, your bills, your expenses and all of your joys around this addiction. You belong to it like a slave.
You look forward to those moments where you walk into your space and latch the door shut behind you…..and you shut out all the noise you heard and all of the madness, the anger, the resentment that you saw. You sigh, you feel better. You look around and see nothing that will harm you. You find your peace….even if the building around you is decaying. You do not notice your life in shambles. Like any other addiction, it doesn’t matter that the you’re living in a self imposed decay, in shambles, wrecked and visible to everyone around you…You’re safe in this. You are in a grounded spout of constant decay because agoraphobia will NOT allow you to flourish. No addiction does. Every addiction’s intention is to pull you from the beauty that you truly are, masquerading as your ambassador to the world at large. Your addiction speaks on your behalf as to why you cannot, or should not, or will not do something of benefit for yourself.
(Do you see how evil agoraphobia is?)
So I sat here going from application to application, letting anyone and everyone know that I was available.
A few hours later, while trying to fill in 10 year old gaps on my resume, I had successfully completed 5 applications within walking distance from here having never left home. I felt…..accomplished because, I would love that moment where I’m purposefully LEAVING my apartment with joy because I’m wanted somewhere….rather than latching the damn lock behind and saying, “To hell with’em.”
So now I’ve decided to sit back, relax under my granny’s quilt and embroider for a minute. (Custom work for a customer).
I feel I made exceptional progress today. I really do. I think Hunter S. Thompson is credited for it, but I think it’s an old Indian saying, “Pray to God, of course! But row away from the rocks….”
Step one, pray. Step two, do the ACTUAL work to make it happen.