The Spirit of Fear

As of this morning, Phillip and I are no longer tied financially. Basically, our separation is official. We are no longer bound to each other on paper. No more shared responsibilities, no more shared benefits, no more shared income. And let’s face it, the last couple of months his income has increased, while mine has not.

212563375_2622573508047469_4912997208349322244_nI feel a lot different than I thought I would. I feel alone, which is what I wanted….More than that, I feel scared because now I truly feel on my own. And in many ways, I’m not prepared for that just yet. Hence why I’ve mentioned that my leaving sometimes feels like it’s not happening fast enough, and other times it feels like it’s happening too fast.

But, today solidified the idea that we are moving ahead with this. This isn’t a game, this is real. We will, of course, help each other out the best we can, but the idea is that we are to be two independent people….or at least no longer dependent on each other.

The only thing we’re waiting on is my leaving the house by the end of the month, which is about three weeks from now. I didn’t get called back on the job I really wanted. Lunch room attendant for a charter school. It’s been quite a few days and I did a follow up, but haven’t heard back. Oh, well. The thought of my bald head wearing a hair net would have been fun 🙂 Something else will pop up, after all, I have a ton of applications out there. The only place I didn’t apply for is where Phillip works. Ironically, I feel I’d be hired on the spot….but, that would just add complications to an already complex situation.

So, while I continue to apply for work, I’ve stopped looking seriously for an apartment for the moment simply because I don’t have the funds for a deposit. Once I do, I’ll be scouting out places with money ready in hand to snag a new studio for me and Betty to live in. And I do so hope the one I showed you the other day is still available (and has screens in the windows!)

At the moment, I’m not working with a whole lot.

So, if there is a bear you’d like me to make for you, please be in touch. I’m working on one this morning, but he’s already spoken for, but I could sure use the work right now. I can’t take on anymore embroidery because I have work that already needs to be completed, which takes a while. Bears are much faster. Within 6 hours, I can have one ready and in a box, and out the door. So, if you’d like a bear, please let me know.

I’m going to get through this, I’m going to be ok. God has always taken care of me, but for some reason, right now I feel God and I are not talking for some reason. My fear in trust is being tempted, as well as my patience. I’m scared. I have every right to be….

But, then I hear, “…for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.”

Amen.

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3 comments

    1. You don’t have to “do” it all alone.

      In Florida, there are many resources to help people in your situation find meaningful work
      http://www.rehabworks.org/resources.shtml

      There are also alternatives positions that include housing such as Food Service Staff – PER DIEM & HOUSING INCLUDED (Travel Position) or a house sitting job where a place to live IS part of the job https://www.trustedhousesitters.com/house-and-pet-sitting-assignments/united-states/florida/orlando/

      If you need to get away for a while sooner (rather than later) why not book yourself for a private retreat https://www.sanpedrocenter.org/individual-retreat-contact-form

      You may be able to help others with your great technology skills. In your area, there are seniors who need help connecting online and there are people who get paid to help them https://www.visitingangels.com/orlando/social-care

      Time to change the spirit of fear into a spirit of adventure.

  1. I’m proud of the tenacity and perseverance you exhibited in “overcoming” your anxiety in this situation. When you have an errand to run, lay off the coffee (causes racing thoughts) and keep a large wad of Betty’s fur in your hand in your pocket to keep your mind close at home.

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