I’m Leaving for Wants and not Reasons

For the last three mornings I have run up to Hobby Lobby to grab only one skein of yarn. Now, you read about that first day in my previous post, the second day required that I do more to challenge my agoraphobia, so once I was home I waited for another moment, any moment possible to leave the house for any length of time. (You might ask why I just don’t go for a walk? If I didn’t have a viable reason for leaving, my agoraphobia would have my feet nailed to the floor).

I was getting a little thirsty, nothing but tap to drink, so I found a few quarters in my change jar and head up to 7-11 to grab my little Mexican soda that I like. The line was lengthy, but despite that, I did ok. I kept my focus on the candies, the chips, the sad, rolling hot dogs in the display case, the bazillion different varieties of cigarettes, the clock on the wall, the mounted telescreen with ads. “I can help the next customer.” Next thing I knew it, I was home sipping my Jarrito. 

Come lunchtime I’m feeling a bit hungry and ask Phillip if he’d like to split a meatball sub from Stasio’s. He looks at me with a huff, “Man, I don’t feel like walking up there.”

“You don’t have to. I will.”

He perks up and looks at me as though I was some other person in the room. 

“I’ll make you a deal. You buy it and I’ll go get it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. But, one condition. You have to order your sandwich right in the middle of lunchtime. Smack at 12:30. I need to be there when it’s packed full of people, me waiting in line like everyone else.”

“If you think you can handle it, you’ve got a deal.”

And handle it, I did. Proudly stomping home with my sub from Stasio’s. What a feeling.

217961508_868584483750464_7148795578462683218_nThe more I paid attention to myself, the more I was realizing that these had no longer become reasons for leaving. These were now wants, which is a completely different aspect of dealing with this illness. I wanted that soda, and I wanted that sandwich. And the same attitude helps with the interview I have tomorrow. I want that job, that job is not a reason to get out, I want it. All clues and hints from the Universe almost compel for it to happen. Even when I’m inside this store, the smell alone makes me feel like I want to spend time there because it smells…..cozy, warm, hearthy. 

I pray I get this job, I pray for the possibilities that await me.

If I get this job then I’ll have the biggest chunk of my problems wiped away: how to pay for an apartment. Even at 20 hours a week and a very low wage, I could still make enough to pay for an $800 apartment, which is a really great price for this area. With my knitting, embroidery and books bringing up the slack, I can easily, EASILY I SAY!, easily make this work. The more I thought about how easy it would be, I just kept feeling better and better about slowly starting at 20 hours, getting comfortable, then maybe going full time once Christmas comes. EASY! 

Even if I don’t have my first paycheck until the end of the month, it will be one big huge chunk towards the next months rent. For now, I need to have a place secured by the 28th or 29th. Phillip is going to be needing a roommate and he needs to start showing the house to someone who is already interested. So, I need to be moving out the weekend that guy is moving in. 

217814689_856281668647765_4506878938990630136_nI hope I start my new job on Monday. That would give me a paycheck right at the end of the month, so that would help with the rent and the deposit. Until then, it’s teddy bears everyone. When I’m not working at this retailer’s, I’ll be kicking back with my speedy needles in hand making teddy bear after teddy bear. 

So, keep constant watch on the shop, for my teddy bears often sell REALLY fast. At best, I have to raise a deposit, just so I can look at a place, the rest will be cake. I already have a little tucked aside for my move. So, if a bear is sold out, come back the next day….and the next….and the next until you have one!

I feel REALLY good about the progress I’m making. As a matter of fact, I feel I like I really want a bag of M&M’s. So, I’m gonna grab a handful of change and head up to the store! 

(I’m pretty dang sure I got this job. As a matter of fact, I can’t wait to tell them that I got this job 🙂 )

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4 comments

  1. Gregory, you did just wonderful!! I’m so proud. Here’s a tip or two. Exhale. Breathe in for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 3. Keep it going…rinse…repeat. Also, can you have a wad of Betty’s hair in your pocket?? Put your hand in your pocket and think of Betty, what makes you smile about her? Any happy thoughts about her at all. Say a prayer while keeping the breathing going. Reward yourself when you get home. Good Luck, my friend.

  2. Congratulations to you! You are recalibrating your thoughts into “I want”. And you are following through with actions. Wishing you the best on your interview! You can and will nail it! I’ll continue in prayer for your success.

  3. There’s no better way to celebrate small victories than to raise a glass full of something delicious- (I’ve never had a Jarrito– but it looks delicious-and don’t we “all” need more delicious?). Small victories can help you to move forward. Your trip to the store was a small victory for self-care. Well done. Cheers.

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