I didn’t realize how much of a toll the stress of my divorce was causing me until I saw these pictures. I look broken…but, I’ll be fine.
I keep telling myself that, while realizing at the same time that the words mean nothing if there is no truthful emotion behind them, if they have no real feeling.
I wake every day with the best of intentions that when I say, “I’ll be fine,” that it is true. But, when you come down to it, the words really have no more value than something you read on a bumper sticker in traffic. I know the words can’t mean anything, because I haven’t been able to connect to the words and feel better. I feel the same. There is almost no emotion in the words after that. They’re almost said with a lazy lilt and rolling eyes. Sure. Ok. I’ll be fine.
I set myself up for failure when I wake up in the morning telling myself that I’ll be fine. Because I keep these conditions in play that say, “once I’ve done this, I’ll be fine,” or “once I have that, I’ll be fine.” I shouldn’t have to feel that way, that my safety, happiness, and security are contingent on conditions. At that rate, I’ll never be fine.
If anything, there shouldn’t be anything said at all when I wake in the morning. It should be an emotion, a feeling that resonates with right now and if that whole vibration insists on clinging to words, then they would have to be, “I feel just fine.”
If I wait to feel good once certain things happen, I’ll never make it. These pictures prove that. I’ve allowed myself to feel awful, depressed, frightened all with the promise that once this happens or that happens, then I can feel better about this divorce, about this big discord in my life….or sadly, about my life in general. Sad to think that I would have to wait to feel happiness right now, for now is when I need it most.
So, I’m glad I saw something in these pictures that I haven’t been able to see in a mirror. I saw that break between the affirmations I’ve been using and the actual feelings that I have. That break can be seen all over me, just when I thought I was doing so well at hiding it. But, I won’t be focused on all the things that need to be fixed in order for me to be happy, no I’m going to be hellbent on spending as much of my time as I can filling my heart with the things that already make me happy: the good people in my life and a God who loves me. And that’s pretty much all I need to feel just fine.
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