Broken, But Fine

218019445_893628197895553_1416711784680907692_nI didn’t realize how much of a toll the stress of my divorce was causing me until I saw these pictures. I look broken…but, I’ll be fine.

I keep telling myself that, while realizing at the same time that the words mean nothing if there is no truthful emotion behind them, if they have no real feeling.

I wake every day with the best of intentions that when I say, “I’ll be fine,” that it is true. But, when you come down to it, the words really have no more value than something you read on a bumper sticker in traffic. I know the words can’t mean anything, because I haven’t been able to connect to the words and feel better. I feel the same. There is almost no emotion in the words after that. They’re almost said with a lazy lilt and rolling eyes. Sure. Ok. I’ll be fine.

I set myself up for failure when I wake up in the morning telling myself that I’ll be fine. Because I keep these conditions in play that say, “once I’ve done this, I’ll be fine,” or “once I have that, I’ll be fine.” I shouldn’t have to feel that way, that my safety, happiness, and security are contingent on conditions. At that rate, I’ll never be fine.

If anything, there shouldn’t be anything said at all when I wake in the morning. It should be an emotion, a feeling that resonates with right now and if that whole vibration insists on clinging to words, then they would have to be, “I feel just fine.”

If I wait to feel good once certain things happen, I’ll never make it. These pictures prove that. I’ve allowed myself to feel awful, depressed, frightened all with the promise that once this happens or that happens, then I can feel better about this divorce, about this big discord in my life….or sadly, about my life in general. Sad to think that I would have to wait to feel happiness right now, for now is when I need it most.

218334271_150739880462962_3782803089388917981_nSo, I’m glad I saw something in these pictures that I haven’t been able to see in a mirror. I saw that break between the affirmations I’ve been using and the actual feelings that I have. That break can be seen all over me, just when I thought I was doing so well at hiding it. But, I won’t be focused on all the things that need to be fixed in order for me to be happy, no I’m going to be hellbent on spending as much of my time as I can filling my heart with the things that already make me happy: the good people in my life and a God who loves me. And that’s pretty much all I need to feel just fine.

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5 comments

  1. I worked with 2 lawyers that got divorced at the same time. Their spouses initiated it. They said the divorce made them feel beaten down, unwanted and unloved. They sought out each other’s company to compare notes and they got through it with each other’s help. It’s normal to feel like what you are going through. You will feel like sh*t for awhile, because there is drastic change and turmoil but time will heal this sore. In a post from 2016, you wanted us to remind you that when troubled times come, to not live for yourself, but to give grace to others.

  2. Your going to heal and feel so much better about yourself but it takes time. I believe in you, your emotional strength and in your I want this so I will do this attitude. Keep knitting those bears because every bear you knit gets you a little bit closer to financial freedom and you have this God given talent to be able to knit to create bears to sell them to provide for your wants and needs.
    What I’m wanting to hear is this………Did you get the job that you really want today ??????

  3. Hang in there. Divorce is hard and gets easier only gradually. You are on the right track. I see you in a cozy home of your own, with a job and paycheque, your own space and friends who are there for you.

    Meanwhile, know you have friends who are cheering you on.

  4. Loving your attitude of gratitude. Having an attitude of gratitude helps you focus on abundance, (rather than what you don’t have) and resilience. Have you ever heard of “kintsugi”? This is a Japanese technique of mending that celebrates the mend. Embracing the imperfect creates an appreciation for everything that is part of your history.

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