I don’t feel like myself right now. I could stammer with an excuse, a reason, but I blurted it out with absolute honesty to Phillip earlier today. I told him that I feel trapped. “I’ve been making an effort to change things, move my life forward….but, it’s not working. Nothing has changed.”
Some things have changed. I finally said goodbye to Mario yesterday. I will leave that there, will not remark anymore on it, because after 17 years I cannot say another beautiful thing about that cat. We had a wonderful two decades together that rivals anything any person could ever claim. I had that cat in my life longer than I’ve had most people….
Reading my blog, you’ve seen that my appetite weakens when I am stressed. I have a tendency to get so pulled into my thoughts that I neglect to eat. We’ve discussed this often. But, I didn’t think that I was under a monumental amount of stress until I stepped on that damned scale. 98 pounds.
So, what is it? What’s bothering me? What’s got me so upset? Other than Mario? Other my divorce? Other than a schedule that I can’t seem to keep up with? Other than my finances? Other than obligations that I can’t seem to meet? Other than every day waking up and realizing I’m not moving towards my vocation? Other than? Other than? Other than?
In my head I find ways to ease pain, because I do not experience pain often. (You see what I did there? I screamed, “Denial.”)
I think the problem is…..I have not grieved over all of the loss over the past few months. I’ve internalized, written a little, painted a painful picture or two to depict those losses, but never gave myself the time to accept them, never gave myself time to mourn.
So a good cry is in order…Maybe that’s all I really need: a pint of ice cream, a sad movie, and a good cry.
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