Big Eyed and Ready to Cry

I don’t feel like myself right now. I could stammer with an excuse, a reason, but I blurted it out with absolute honesty to Phillip earlier today. I told him that I feel trapped. “I’ve been making an effort to change things, move my life forward….but, it’s not working. Nothing has changed.”

Some things have changed. I finally said goodbye to Mario yesterday. I will leave that there, will not remark anymore on it, because after 17 years I cannot say another beautiful thing about that cat. We had a wonderful two decades together that rivals anything any person could ever claim. I had that cat in my life longer than I’ve had most people….

20210815_122905Reading my blog, you’ve seen that my appetite weakens when I am stressed. I have a tendency to get so pulled into my thoughts that I neglect to eat. We’ve discussed this often. But, I didn’t think that I was under a monumental amount of stress until I stepped on that damned scale. 98 pounds.

So, what is it? What’s bothering me? What’s got me so upset? Other than Mario? Other my divorce? Other than a schedule that I can’t seem to keep up with? Other than my finances? Other than obligations that I can’t seem to meet? Other than every day waking up and realizing I’m not moving towards my vocation? Other than? Other than? Other than?

In my head I find ways to ease pain, because I do not experience pain often. (You see what I did there? I screamed, “Denial.”)

I think the problem is…..I have not grieved over all of the loss over the past few months. I’ve internalized, written a little, painted a painful picture or two to depict those losses, but never gave myself the time to accept them, never gave myself time to mourn.

So a good cry is in order…Maybe that’s all I really need: a pint of ice cream, a sad movie, and a good cry.

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15 comments

  1. I am so sorry about Mario, it is never ever easy loosing a member of the family no matter if they have skin, fur or feathers. My thoughts will be with you.

  2. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious cat. It is sad that their lives are so short.
    Of course, you’ll have grief. It spills over to everything, it gets in the way. It’s always there. The good news is that everyone manages differently and if you don’t feel right– it’s because you need to take a closer look at yourself.

    Taking care of yourself means you should hydrate, and eat something, walk a lot if you can, and try to catch at least 8 hours of sleep per night.

    Also, make sure to get the vaccine. The Delta Variant has changed the game. Here’s a link to the city of Orlando info. https://www.orlando.gov/COVID-19 There has been an uptick amongst the unvaccinated, I have no problem wearing a mask. (they work). I’ve been a nurse since 1975 and have to say- “you get used to it”. It is infinitely more comfortable than intubation.

    I recommend wearing the KN95s. or the N-95s when you’re going to be around other people indoors for a while.

    Light clothing that you can through in the wash ASAP. Strip and the door, and shower ASAP.

    As I say, you get used to a new routine.

    1. I am pretty sure now is not a good time for him to get a vaccine! He’s severely underweight and that could cause reactions to the vaccine. This is something he should discuss with his doctor and we should butt out of personal medical issues of Gregory and others.

      1. I’m sorry you disagree with me, Maggie. I stand by my comment. We can agree to disagree.

        If you really stand by your own comment about “butting out” of personal medical issues- why did you refer to Gregory’s weight issue. (Malnutrition is a medical issue too- one that makes you particularly susceptible to illness and infection, such as the delta variant which can be deadly to people who are malnourished). I see your comment as being in contradiction with your stated opinion.

        Being severely underweight is an issue that Gregory should discuss with his health care provider too.

        The reason I suggested the vaccine is threefold:
        1. Gregory has just experienced the loss of his cat. Grief has been linked to illness. “British researchers found that older people who are grieving are more likely to have weakened immune systems and develop infections.” Source: https://www.everydayhealth.com/news/how-grief-can-make-you-sick/
        2. Gregory is now out in the workforce (and is being exposed to more people).
        3. There has been an uptick in the COVID-19 infection rate in the area where Gregory lives source: https://newsroom.ocfl.net/media-advisories/press-releases/2021/07/coronavirus-updates-6/

        The bottom line is this- Gregory Patrick is a grown man who can make his decisions.
        He posts very pubically about certain aspects of his private life.
        People who comment on his posts can disagree (respectfully).

      2. Agree about butting out of his personal medical decisions!! There are a lot of reasons not to get the vaccine.. This ‘one size fits all’ approach is extremely alarming. 27 years a nurse here.

      3. It’s been two years since the loss of Sam the dog of my heart. I still cry. The 21st was the anniversary. I only had him 1.4 years and I will miss him till the end of my life. I had other dogs and have one now. The love they give is beyond measure and we will be together again someday. Mario was there when you most needed him. Now he’s at peace waiting for you one day. Much love you have given and received.

  3. Very sorry on the loss of your beloved pet, Gregory.

    Do not think of me with sadness and pain
    But, remember me with joy and happiness
    As if I were sitting here beside you
    For I loved YOU so
    Twas heaven here with YOU.

    This was on a sympathy card I received from my vet and his staff when I lost my chihuahua,
    Trinket, at the age of 14 years. Maybe it will help you — it helped me. Prayers and hugs uplifted.

  4. I am very sorry, dear Gregory. I just sent you an email, I a, with you and ready to help you for whatever needed. Big hugs
    Giovanni

  5. My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved Mario. You will always miss him but remember the memories you’ve made with him and SMILE!
    I feel so bad that you are so down on yourself but please know that so many of us care about you and are there for you.
    The world can be overwhelming at times and you are going through so many changes.
    Ie; divorce, having to find and afford a new residence,
    having a new job and fitting yourself into the routine
    and letting your emotions get the upper hand and giving into them by not eating and focusing on the what if’s.
    Your a very talented crafter, knitter and writer
    You’ve come so far in your life’s journey and have so many accomplishments, more than most have and you should feel pride in yourself and the person that you are and boost yourself, rise above it and get into the swing of it putting one step in front of the other
    Eat high caloric quality foods to nourish your body and soul and to gain weight so that you may live.
    Drink boost or ensure many times a day because you need these nutrients to become healthy
    Reach out to your family near and far and let yourself become connected and know we are all rooting for you so get on with living life
    Ronni Lynn

  6. I am so very sorry for your loss. Our cats (and dogs) are part of our lives and our family. We had to say good bye to 3, at 14 years, 16 years and 18 years. We were heartbroken. But now I truly believe that Gresham, Baby Moses and Morris were waiting for Mario to show him around.

    For now, a good cry, ice cream and a happy movie (not a sad movie) are in order.

    You can do this Gregory. You will get through this.

  7. Hugs sweet friend, I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes a good cry is what is needed and we all need them. Take time to grieve, you need it. God is with you, lean on him.

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