Dancing Away My Drear

I thought I’d spend a few minutes with the keys this evening. I haven’t pounded on them in a while. I’ve been knitting, I’ve been embroidering, but I haven’t been writing, or rather, I haven’t been blogging. I have felt awfully quiet, not really willing to share anything. I contribute it to anyone who needs a vacation, especially if it’s a vacation from your own head.

There has been nothing impressive to say. Weird, isn’t it? I think there is a numbness that comes with a lot of loss. You just sit, stare….try to find an emotion that isn’t sadness. The best one I’ve come up with seems to be some kind of apathy. Which bothers the crap out of me. I’m not….interested in feeling all of sorts of emotions. I don’t want to hurt. Ok, maybe for just a second so that I can go ahead and get it over it and move on. But, that doesn’t seem to be happening and I’m not sure why. I sit paralyzed sometimes with this bland apathy….So, get out of your head, take a vacation from thoughts that freeze you and spend any second you can on thoughts that please you.

That is the PRECISE moment where you simply must do something ridiculously joyful. I’ve tended to my little mindless vacation naked in my boots. I’m not kidding. Loss of marriage, loss of lifelong cat, loss of pants….Bring it!

I haven’t wanted to blog because I didn’t want to discuss any of the things that have been burdening me for the last few months. I just wanted it to be over, done, not have to be explained, not have to be explored. I wanted these things to be accepted, not dismissed, but accepted in a personal, private way, finished with in the best way possible. So, I’ve been dancing away my drear.

With bulky boots that are too big for me I stomp and twirl to my own playlist of classics. Alien Sex Fiend, Front 242, Nitzer Ebb, the Creatures (!).

I get to toss off the idea that loss is all devouring. Because, I feel joy. I feel good. I feel. My soul said, “Can’t let you feel like this anymore. No sadness. Joy. Only joy. Put your boots on.”

“Why my boots?”

240624883_261128182522887_7626814158556823812_n“Because you’re going to dance….and stomp….and laugh….and giggle….your arms will reach as if to stretch for better things, your heart will start pumping life back into you. The life you want is going to come at you fast, so have your boots on, because you’re going to want to be ready to experience that joy of stomping….and laughing….and giggling….and always wanting to have your arms outstretched for better things, with love pumping life back into you. You’re going to want to do that all the time. You need to experience JOY right now. So, go! ….DANCE!”

So, dance I did….

Because I was reminded that the wallowing in a sad feeling can lead to an uninspired place of lethargy….and the only way to push past that is to boogie.

(You all want to know about my weight issues. I was gifted a lovely gift card from Papa John’s, so when I’m not dancing I’ve been eating pizza and ice cream. 🙂 )

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  1. “I think there is a numbness that comes with a lot of loss. You just sit, stare….try to find an emotion that isn’t sadness. The best one I’ve come up with seems to be some kind of apathy.” This is the most accurate expression of the way I’ve felt in 2021 after losing Matt’s parents and my mother. I sit and stare a lot. Thanks for writing.

    1. I am sorry for your many losses. 2021 seems to have been that kind of year for many. Sending a virtual hug and kind thoughts your way. 😔

  2. Grief has its own season and you’re experiencing several losses at once. It can hit out of nowhere. For me, when it happens I acknowledge it and sometimes wallow in it. But only briefly because I don’t want to live there. I have to focus on the positive and know I will get through the sadness. Prayers for you.

  3. I think we would like the painful phases of life to be done with ASAP. And you have a multitude of unpleasant life-changing events going on so it might take longer than you want. But, things will improve and positive thoughts like this is what will get you through the rough times.

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