I first want to thank you all for being so gracious to me. I was able to pay rent. As donations came in, I quickly sent the payments to my landlord via venmo. I had a little bit extra, so I paid the electric bill. And with a touch left over, I treated Phillip and myself to Stasio’s Deli. I’d eat there everyday if I could. Her meals feel like home cooked dinners a mom would make.
Then I decided to be quiet for a little while….
For the last four days I’ve been in a tender place, a sacred place, alone with my thoughts, just trying to find a soft place to land in the mind. I spent some time with Mario, tending to her little grave that is watched over by the Blessed Mother. It was a nice visit. I miss that little cat….When Mario died, she closed the chapter on a part of my life that was nearly two decades long; a chapter in a book you only get to read once.
It was a good four days to disconnect with my own problems so that I could align myself with something deeper before I proceed with all of the wonderful things I’d like to pursue. There was a definite need for some grounding, some centering of the soul. I think you can only find that in silence….save the whistle of the wind through the ferns, the crunch of fallen leaves on your path, and the chirping of friendly birds.
I think we all have a tendency to rush to a place that is frantic when we’re in trouble, rather than just trusting that God will move the very Universe to help us when we need it. There is solace in that idea, some truly profound peace. My dear friend told me recently that he thought much of my panic and dread comes often from the idea that I’ll be homeless again. “But, that won’t happen again,” he said. “Not with how much you’re loved.”
That sort of statement can bring someone to tears.
In the last four days I have come to adore the idea of putting that love first, before anything. Because if I should put God’s love, your love, and my own love of this self first in feeling, then all will be well. There is no pain, no judgments, no hardships. There is only this great presence of undeniable joy, so enthralling, that it can even cause a Buddhists to give a slight smirk when praying. (It feels so good, this presence of the spirit, how could you not smile?)
So, today is the last day that I’m taking for myself and time alone with God before picking my knitting needles back up, before digging through my embroidery floss, before writing another chapter in a book. This quiet retreat at Honeychurch and your reaching out to me with kindness over the past four days, has shown me blessings that I didn’t know I had….and revealed how much I truly am loved.
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