He said it with all sincerely, with genuine heart: “I’m so happy to see you do that.”
I finished gobbling the last of my peanut butter sandwich before asking, “What?”
“Eat….”
It’s so true. For the past month I’ve been on a diet. And I know some heads can’t swivel around to the idea that diets aren’t just for losing weight. Diets are a designed regiment of healthy eating. Yes, skinny people need diets, too. My weight has always been really low. I max out at 120lbs while being 6 feet tall. In other words, I’m just a really long piece of string. Last year my weight got dangerously low, to less than a hundred pounds. It’s a condition of my subconscious. When I’m stressed I stop eating.
All of that changed a month ago. I was given a gift card to Publix, so I could order some groceries. So, I put it to some amazing use. Tired of hearing from big boys how to put on weight, I went hunting down scrawny dudes like yours truly. This one gent gave me the best advice ever. “Eat something, anything, anything at all first thing in the morning. While you’re waiting for the coffee to brew, grab something out of the fridge and have a bight. This will increase your appetite. Your body will be wanting MORE.”
So, I did…..And four weeks later I’m eating five times a day. Now, it’s nothing massive. I grab one of those Dole Fruit Cups of diced peaches (you know, those little four packs they come in) and start nibbling on that while I wait for the coffee. A few sips of Java and I’m suddenly adding yogurt to my fruit cup. Another cup of Joe and wouldn’t you know, I’ve added cornflakes to the mix.
Two hours later, I’m snacking on a creamy Peter Pan peanut butter and Smucker’s strawberry jelly sandwich…..(See? I have to pause to go make myself a sandwich now. Just writing it with some description made me hungry for one.)
Two hours after that I’m having a bowl of tomato soup with a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. Two more hours and another snack, then dinner, then a snack, then a bowl of ice cream….then catching myself up at 3am raiding the fridge for that DELICIOUS Publix southern style potato salad and classic baked beans!!!! (YUM, dammit, YUM!)
I have watched my personality shift…and have found some safety and sanctuary over the last month within myself. (Wow, Gregory. Do you think that what, how, and when you eat might affect someone’s mood??? Someone’s physical and mental health? Groundbreaking, Gregory, just….groundbreaking.)
I went from eating one meal a day (out of obligation, I imagine) to eating five. I went from feeling caged and depressed to being the Rockstar that I know I am. 🙂 I have more energy, I have more creativity, more desire….more love. I know with food prices what they are, it’s gonna be rough to keep it up, but I don’t care. I’ll double up on knitting teddy bears and embroidering my felted bags. (Donating when you’ve read something I’ve written that you like helps!). But, even if we have to take out a loan to pay for groceries, then so be it, because I love what FOOD (of all blessed things) what FOOD has done for my demeanor, my mind. (I can’t wait to see what it does for my body! My midzone is getting a little thick, so that’s why I had suspenders on my list 🙂 I’m having to unbutton when I sit. Isn’t that awesome?)
And I no longer weigh myself. I find it foolish. I just want the people that see me on a daily basis to notice it in my face. Weight is not my concern. Health is. I know I’m doing ok if any one of them should happen to say, “You look like you’re in a really good place right now.” (The morning lady at 7-11 said that to me today! I giggled, said thank you, and bought us both a candy bar!)
Then to hear Phillip comment how happy he was to see me eating really made me feel….I don’t know. Proud, I guess. A big element of my life was tackled, not destroyed. That’s not the kind of man I am. I don’t kill. I convince. So, I convinced that part of myself that clung to the normal, self deprecating, sinister part of me that wanted to self destruct, that things would be so much better if I just made the damned effort. That part of me isn’t dead. It’s been convinced to be grateful now that it is freed of anything bad that it it had tasted before….and to lovingly gobbling up all that it can with appreciation.
If you appreciate my work and would like for it to continue, please donate. Every bit helps and I wouldn’t have the courage to do this without you. Thank you so much for reading!
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madmanknitting.wordpress.com 
Thank you for a feel-good story. So many depressing things in the world. Hearing how one person got himself on an evener keel after a long struggle just restores my faith in everything. And on a personal level, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Blessed be.
Yeah — what happened to that wish list – it’s gone, as in “poof”?? I am so happy you’re eating healthy and feeling so much better. Maybe you can talk to my malnourished SIL #2, who is a vegan, 5’9″ and weighs 101 lbs. Her lab tests are showing abnormalities like anemia, B-12 deficiency and liver damage. You can imagine how pleased I was to read that my other favorite person (You!) is eating healthier. I must say a 🙏 prayer of thanks.
Yea! I am so proud for you! Keep it up, I love the positivity and energy that flies off of your blog when you are in this place. And btw, your embroidery on your new bag is awesome!
)))hugs(((
Happy to read your mood is improving and you’re eating! Nourishing the brain is so important. I spend a lot of time learning about nutrition and brain health and mental health and what you’re eating worries me though. Our brains need fat from natural sources, not processed sugars and starches. So, as you’re able, and when ready, think about adding more fattier foods. They won’t make you fat, I promise. I know it’s a process though, and you’ve made remarkable progress! So don’t feel rushed, just consider how you can add fat (and avoid vegetable, canola, soy, corn oils). My family loves the little fruit cups too, but I cringe at the unit price, and the waste, so I buy the big tins or jars. Too much sugar for me though. I rarely eat fruit now, just blueberries, raspberries and blackberries. Can’t give those up 🙂