It’s midnight-ish. Phillip won’t be home for quite a few more hours. You’d think I’d go to sleep whenever I wanted, but no. I enjoy greeting him when he comes home, despite what the time may be. We’ll have a night cap, chit chat about the day, watch a little something to make us laugh, then head to bed.
In the meantime, I’ve had too much time on my hands. Too much free time doesn’t work so well in my head. A collection of my crazies have come to nest….
I will admit freely that I’m not having the best time with my impending birthday. And I can’t for the life of me think why. It’s a condition of self sabotage that I often see surface. The idea of turning 50 does not bother me. The way I feel about my body at 50 does, though.
Somewhere, in the last couple of years, I forgot to start taking care of myself. Not eating, smoking cigarettes, not moving my body enough. 30 years of all those bad habits are piling onto a man about to hit 50….and it’s making me feel like an old man. Suddenly.
I will admit that I often won’t look in a mirror. I’m afraid of what I may see. So, I deeply distract myself in my little world of artistry, in whatever art these hands will lead me to. I would rather distract myself by making beautiful things, rather than look at myself as beautiful…
My, God. How awful. How truly awful. But, why???
I know this emotion will pass, they always do. My birthday is Wednesday and I have a bunch of friends (a much different collection of crazies 🙂 ) popping in throughout the day to wish me well. There will be a lot of love felt then. But, for the moment, just shy past midnight, I was feeling the need to be sincere.
Check your front porch for a little something to celebrate
Any age ending in a “0” needs an assessment of one’s life to ensure you are on the right track to make it to the next birthday that ends in a “0”. . I sure hope your emotion doesn’t pass. Sounds like you have some work to do. Smoking does curb the appetite and many use it as an appetite suppressant, although I know it’s not your aim.
My advice is don’t look behind you. Look forward and change those things like moving more to write a different future than past habits. Though I will remind you you’ve had positive changes you’ve shared with us in the past year. Remember the positives. Happy birthday 🎂