I’ve had the most phenomenal day. There was a grand sense of peace, a presence of safety, an aura of relaxed inspiration that kept me moving from 5am to the moment I’m writing this now.
I took an hour away to take a walk, those cold winds of a winter blast bothering my otherwise balmy part of the world. But, hey….it’s all perspective, isn’t it? Though the cold showed no mercy, I spent the hour walking my neighborhood, stretching my legs, spending the time opening my mind.
Life is good in my little space.
It’s the third of the month. Today is the last day rent is due. Any other month I would have freaked, screamed and screeched at the very notion of taking that much time away from knitting, from trying to sell a teddy bear on such a day when time is a luxury equal to cash.
No, I don’t have all of the rent today. I made a severe financial miscalculation and now I’m bearing the burden of that. And I assure you, the embarrassment of that will not have very good repercussions for my pride and ego, not to mention other personal areas of my life. (This is where a little part of me says, “I told you so….”)
When I found out yesterday that the funds I expected were not going to arrive in time to finish paying rent, I didn’t even flinch. Double smack: they may not even show up ever at all….
I looked at a clock and thought, “Well damn….I guess I better find a way to fix my screw up.”
The last teddy bear that I knit with the sweater and embroidered flower was a true hit. His little listing was seen by over 1,000 people. I usually get about 200. By the Grace of God, this little bear named “Flower” was sold after the 3rd person saw him. Now, there’s no way I can knit enough of them to make the difference of what I lost, so I decided to write out the pattern.
I spent last night writing it up, while testing it with a new bear. I listed the pattern, made no fanfare about it, then huddled off to bed….
The air was icy cold last night, the house wasn’t much warmer, but that bed of mine, that muppet skin blanket I bury myself in every night, helped usher in lovely dreams of feeling….that I was in control.
Another time in my life and I could have easily shifted into a kind of reactionary chaos that would have torn this whole holy house apart. This constant feeling that I’m always on the brink of collapse and disaster has got to….must….for God’s sake, end.
The possibilities of what I’m capable of have always been hindered by the limits of my own self worth. I’ve not been able to make that leap, that bridge from “always near collapse” to “landing safely” because I’ve become so dependent on feeling guilty or pious if I do well for myself. What’s worse? I’ve allowed others to convince me of the same. And to some of them, any success I have would be an embarrassment or a resentment.
And this biggest blunder of mine just didn’t help my case.
There was nothing I could do about what about yesterday, but there certainly was something I could do today.
I woke this morning, found I had sold a few patterns, then got to work putting this new bear together. Now, remember everything is in perspective. A month ago, two months ago, I would have been ripping yarn off my bookcase and speedily mass producing bear after bear in a panic.
Today, I did not feel the need to rush, but rather, found more value in slowing the pace to allow inspiration to flow in. I could start knitting little dresses, embroidering little flowers. I could knit some overalls, maybe pajamas….maybe, maybe, maybe. The more I slowed down, the more I was able to listen to inspiration, to possibilities for the future. There was no desperate clinging to the moment of right now. There was no dwelling on hindrances. No, I was happily thinking about what could be done, rather than what had been done. And the first thing I could do was get rid of some ridiculous habits.
I’m inclined to sit and knit in a chair with my legs crossed, my belly squished and my back crouched over. While spinning my yarn into a bear I’m usually watching something serious in tone, something that requires you to bare the same burdens of whatever hardship you’ve witnessed that you’ve been made to feel guilty about. (ie: the news). Not this morning, not this bear.
Instead of sitting I danced, walked around the house, propped my leg on a stool and leaned against a warm window pane. With delight, with a newfound adoration, with a love of his charm, I held him close enough to whisper, “We’re going to be ok, aren’t we, little one?” He needed me to think of new ways to make him blossom in much the way that I have.
And now I sit down at about 7pm east coast time with about 5 hours to spare. Last month, two months ago, I would have been a wreck right now, scrambling to make as many bears as possible in that amount of time….and that would not have helped anything, anything at all.
Despite whatever happens, I felt really good today when I should have felt truly paralyzed with fear. Because I feel better when I feel hopeful. I feel like absolute (bleeeep!) when I feel helpless. When you feel helpless, you’re a wreck who makes really bad decisions. If you feel hopeful, you’re in control, and you get to decide how you feel about a crisis.
I’m relying on what I have. My talents. That adorable bear in the blue sweater is in my shop. If he’s sold out and you’d like me to make one for you, be in touch. Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll work something out. We’ll decide on whatever colors your heart desires. I’m always appreciative of the work. Or, if you’d like the pattern to this charming little bear and his sweater and would like to make one of your own, that’s in my shop, too. If I can sell that bear, maybe get a few more commissions for a few more, and a couple of dozen patterns sold, I’ll be ok. I’m pretty sure.
As I close this blog post, I’m going to do a little prayer I make rent, grab my yarn and work on another bear. I think this next one should have a dress. I really want to try something a little gentile just so that I can get my hands working in the delicate intricacy that is so addictive for me. I’m so looking forward to it. That sort of inspiration makes me feel like there is hope, and therefore, I’m in control…..
Love you all.
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