Knitting for a Warmer World

I wanted to thank all of you for your well wishes and prayers. That truly means a lot to me. I am fortunate that I have all of you to make me feel better. Now, I wait two weeks for the molding of my teeth to be complete, at which point I can have my current teeth extracted. I was able to progress from broth, to different sorts of soups pureed in the Magic Bullet, and last night I moved up to eggs. But, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for all of your best wishes for me. Especially at a time when the world has quickly gone angry and cold, with people thrashing back at life. I wish they could feel warmth and love that I feel from you. Perhaps the world would be a touch better if everyone picked up knitting.

There is always a sense of reflection, of meditation as you work through your knits and purls, a higher sense of self awareness is learned, a deeper sense of compassion felt at the edge of the soul. When you become a knitter you think about things a little differently, you approach life with a sense of calm, with an aura of ease. Knitters, I think are a different breed of people. Their knitting usually ends up as gifts for others; they appreciate the natural world moving swiftly through their fingers in the form of fibers.

So, maybe the world would be a better, calmer, more compassionate place if everyone were to learn to knit.

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Only One Person to Blame for the Divisions in America.

Desperate days in America. And it breaks my heart. I haven’t written much lately, been in bed for a few days, but these are the pivotal moments that causes this knitter to pen. And I assure you, my health problems will in no way permit me from feeling a deeper pain that has brought me to tears.

The divisions in America have become apparent. They are so cutting and clean, that it requires only one person to commit a heinous act, but an entire group to be smeared. And that is the horror of being “grouped” demographically.

If I could approach you as a singular person, value you with the moments you’ve been pained by, or laud you for your accomplishments, then all would be solved. I might just love you….or might wish to never associate with you again. And I am going to demand the same.

But, I at the very least, I gave you the one promise of judging you singularly, and not by those of your decided, collective grouping. Sadly, the current divisions we have in our country rests squarely on the idea of self groupings, by being defined by things we cannot change, as opposed to truly looking at each other singularly, one on one, and defining our relationships in that way. Because this idea of setting ourselves into separate camps, based on the things we physically cannot change, is not working.

I don’t want to be known as a gay man, or a white man. Those are things I cannot change. However, on both sides of our current political issues, we are told that you MUST make decisions based on these categories. Because, they say, people don’t like you for those reasons. It’s interesting the summations people make.

Gay man? “Oh, you poor victimized thing.”

White man? “How dare you, you racist!”

One minute I could be a victim of our “social construct;” the next minute, I could be the perpetrator of the very same abuses I accuse people of. But, if you had a moment to speak to me, you would see a clarity, that I am singular from both of those concepts. Those are aspects of mine, but they do not define me. If you valued me singularly, then I would be allowed what all of our lives desire: validation. I would be blessed in knowing that you appreciate me, just as me, and not by the constraining camps of groups that the media has decided to march us into.

Our collective groupings will not work. We cannot accept those conditions, nor should we demand them. If you want racism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, or social-phobia to be eliminated in America, then you cannot demand that you be identified as your collective group. You MUST insist that you be viewed as singular. Our identities are better served when we no longer reduce ourselves to one or two socially acceptable qualifying traits.

Somewhere recently, and I blame the media for this, we were given only a few options to define ourselves. We stopped being treated as individuals, and were told our worth rested only in the words they handed us: black, white, gay, cop, conservative…..homophobe, xenophobe, racist. “You go into your corner, now you go into yours. Now FIGHT! Ratings will be huge!” (Don’t believe me? Watch “Network.”)

I’ve never appreciated labels. Unless of course, you allow me to label myself by the things I’ve accomplished, or the moments I’ve been pained by, but not by the things I cannot change.

And furthermore, we cannot APPROACH people in the same manner. I am inclined to think of the things you’ve done, as opposed to the traits you were born with. I will judge you on no other terms. I will no longer consider you one of the many mad categories the media has decided to brand you with for the sake of their own desire for ratings. I don’t trust social media. I don’t trust the message of memes.

We cannot keep blaming each other’s groups. We will fail. We can only blame each other, personally, for allowing others to define us, for allowing ourselves to be categorized by our victimization, for our crimes, for our shootings, for our reactions.

I will approach you singularly, as the person you are….only you, and not by the group you’ve be poisoned to believe you “belong” to. I’ll do this, if you promise you will do the same. And if these divisions in America continue then there is only one person to blame.

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IMG_2713I know this is highly unconventional, but we’re working against a time frame, so I felt it was necessary. I received this really cool stash a few weeks ago, and immediately fell in love with Juniper Moon’s “Moonshine” yarn. I started working up some teddy bears with it and felt this yarn was a perfect match for my little creations. Soft, but durable. So, I have them all knit up, I just need to stuff and sew them now, which doesn’t take long, but I need to go ahead and get them sold. They’ll be ready to send on Friday. These are definite one of a kind bears. One in pink, one in beige, and one beige bear with a pink hat and sweater. My dentist has agreed to take half the payment for the molding of my dentures now, and will accept the other half in two weeks when they return. At the end of that two weeks, I’ll be able to have the teeth extracted, because they want to put in the partials the same day they remove my teeth. So. That’s where we are. If I sell these three bears, I’ll have the half of the $600 need to get started. If you’d like one of these bears, click here. Or grab yourself a t-shirt, or a book. Hope you are well. I can’t thank you enough for all the well wishes and prayers. That means a lot to me. Thank you!

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Antibiotics and Smoothies

To answer some questions. Yes, I do am enduring Ensure. Tastes like crap. I’ll be on antibiotics, which I hate doing. They do their job. I’m just not a an of pills. They even prescribed an opioid, to which I kindly refused. I will NOT take pain pills of that degree. Some of you may think me crazy, but I can’t abide by the mad sloppiness, and addictive persuasion of a culture that screams, “Just take a few of these and you’ll feel fine.” I don’t want to hide the pain, I want to get RID of it.

Now, I have to confess, Phillip is rather cross with me. He hates seeing me like this. Pale, losing weight. “You could have….” is what he says. I push him with all my might and end up falling over. He laughs….sort of. I know he’s worried, because the man he sees is not the man he used to be. I know that. There is a solid reason I do not take pics anymore. I look dreadful. I look….I don’t want to say.

Now, I can’t be cross with him, because he cares. He knows I have no energy because I can’t eat. And yes, to answer another question, I do have a Magic bullet, but I’m not ready to put a cheeseburger in it for sustenance. I’ll stick to smoothies.

I’m so hungry, you have no idea.

I really have to confess, I’m a bit scared. I have NEVER felt like this before. I’m so tired. In the last week I’ve pretty much just STARED at things. My ambition has been wiped clean and I LOOK at things….I don’t pick them up and actually get to work on them. I just sit here….because that’s all the energy I can summon.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I want to finish my children’s book, want to finish my knitting. My head isn’t where it should be. My head is…terrified. Of all the things that have tried to beat me down, from being homeless, to the problems with the IRS, t my health…..of all those things, this is the one that is actually winning. And that’s what scares me. And I say with such heavy heart, I’m too tired to fight back.

So, antibiotics and smoothies. Long hours in bed sipping broth. More weight loss on an already 125 pound man. I hate this.

I HATE this.

But, I’ll fight it…..

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My Health Comes First

If you have followed my blog for a while, then you are firmly aware of the ongoing battle I’ve had with my teeth. I’ve been able to manage it to a degree for quite sometime. I’ve been eating softer foods, washing my mouth out after I eat, avoiding sugars, and allowing my food to come to room temperature before I eat. Hot and cold cause serious pain. Room temp seems to work ok. But, about a week ago we had our friend Mark over for a movie and nibbles. I made quesadillas. And while having a spirited talk about politics and current events, I took a bight into that simple quesadilla and started crying, spitting out my food and clutching my mouth. Here was a new kind of pain I had not experienced, a kind of pain that I have yet to be able to describe. But, I felt that my teeth had separated when I bit into it. As though I were having dental work without anesthesia.

Since then, I’ve been subjected to broth to eat. And nothing else. I have to say, it really does mess with your energy level, your ability to sleep, and your focus. I feel I’m always hungry.

IMG_2711Phillip and I went hunting for dentists, and I had happened to find one two blocks away who offered a free consultation, and free x-rays (yes, that is a copy of my x-rays). I was so shocked and so grateful. All I could do was offer a Thank You card with a folded paper crane. She explained it to me like this: my teeth are falling out of my jaw. My bone density is so bad that the roots no longer attached to the bone, but are lingering in my gums. And when they move, yes, it is like someone is taking a wrench to your teeth and twisting them. When I eat, my teeth move. But, we came up with a plan.

She referred to me to an oral surgeon in the same building. But before I go see him, I’m to have my mouth fitted with a molding so that the very same day my teeth are extracted, they’ll slide a temporary denture in so that I can at least eat solid foods. Then, when my gums have healed, a permanent set of dentures will be fitted and I’ll be as good as new. The whole process will take about 3 to 4 weeks. I will be able to eat again, and get my energy back, focus, work.

She also reminded me, that I don’t any other options now. If I don’t go ahead and have them yanked, then my quality of life will suffer, my health will suffer. It will not end well. A life lived on liquids alone will not end well. This combined with my other health issues is a disastrous combination. So, she urged me to act now.

So, Phillip and I have agreed: for the time being, screw the tax man. He’s been handed quite a bit of money for now. And if it still isn’t enough, and they still send me to jail, well then, at least I’ll be able to eat the food they serve me. My health comes first.

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My New Book is Dedicated To….

UntitledAs I finish up my children’s book, work on the cover, and put all of the necessities in their proper places, I wanted to take a moment to thank someone for their support. As I was writing the dedication, I knew there was someone I had to name. Now, I have never thanked them by name here on my blog before because I just don’t know how they would feel about their name being out and about for all the world to see. People have different feelings about that. Yes, in this selfie culture, there are some people who would prefer not to be started at:) But, they have been so really wonderful and helpful to me and I felt I had to do something that would be timeless to thank them. So, I dedicated my book to them. Yes, it is one of you, but of course, you won’t know who that is until it’s released.:) When Phillip found out who I was dedicating the book to (and it’s not him!), he was not at all surprised and said, “Absolutely.” So, you’ll just have to wait and see! It’ll be soon, though!

Another reason I don’t call people out on my blog, is because I truly don’t want to feel I’ve left anyone out. All of you that read and support this blog matter so much to me. So, I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings by mentioning one person and not other. I have mentioned before, and you’ll excuse me, but I’ll mention one hundred million times more, that this sometimes harsh life of mine has found so much brightness in all of you. It’s something I will never take for granted, and something I will always boast about. Whatever blessings I may find in life are nothing compared to all of your love, support, and inspiration. I wish the world felt as much love as I do.


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Kid Rowan

IMG_2708I haven’t been knitting any new bears lately, been filling older orders. But, I did get a huge stash recently with some AWESOME yarn in it and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. Especially this Rowan Kid Classic yarn. So, yesterday I was having some teeth pain, so I laid in bed most of the day knitting, doing whatever I could to keep my mind distracted and off the pain. I was so happy to see how nicely this little guy turned out. So, if you’d like to snag him, click here. There’s only one, so hurry!