Spellbound by Faith

Phillip asked the most profound question. “Are you ever going to knit again?”

The words were caught on the wind, over my shoulder, as I sat with canvas in hand, thread trailing through my tendril fingers. He was on his way to work.

Punch! through the canvas went the needle. A bee blew by, a bird chirped, my new wind chimes clang softly. I was sitting outside, taking full advantage of a perfectly pleasant day.

“I mean, really, though,” he continued. “You haven’t been knitting very much lately.”

I was satin stitching a petal, slowly laying the thread side by side to give this beautiful, but simple, hint at the true shadow and definition of a flower. There was a general peace moving through me….a calmness that has been desired for a very long time.

“Of course,” I responded. “I’m just really enjoying this right now.”

“What? Your new grandma craft?”

I wanted to smack that bastard. “Dude, it’s not the craft, it’s the process. I can’t explain it, but I’m….present when I’m doing this. I’m aware…I’m not moving through the same motions day after day. I’m learning, doing, enjoying myself. I’m focused….and finally understanding, I mean really understanding what contemplative prayer is. I feel like I’m in such a deep place of connection to the Universe and to God that I just don’t feel like leaving right now. I don’t feel like doing anything else. Not right now.”

He giggles, kissing me on the cheek and says, “I’m going to print you a t-shirt that says, ‘I should’ve been a monk.'”

“Damn right.”

Left was I under the warm hue of sunlight, facing the white daisies and purple dandelions growing in the hedge, the words trailing as he treads off to work, “Well, you need to surface soon and come back to the real world….rent is coming up. Go knits some bears….”

And for one second I felt sullen. Just that one second, I promise you! True to my word, since I’ve learned to embroider, I’ve been spellbound, hypnotized, clenched tight by this muse, lured into constant prayer, into a desire to feel perpetually at ease….to feel creative again, to feel these fingers produce something that I can tenderly smile at with pride….to see new colors emerge, new techniques learned, new rules to break, new details to consider when deciding what to do next….new…new….new.

Everything about this skill has been a steady collection of new things to explore in my life. Bad habits are being broken because of this thrilling desire to quiet the mind, pull thread through a needle, and cleverly paint flowers with thread….because while doing that, I go deeper and deeper in a pleasant understanding that I don’t think I’m capable of describing. As good a writer I hope to be, I can’t seem to capture those words in the deep silent beauty of prayer. I can only stitch them at the moment. And that’s why I’m spending practically every single minute focused on it. Because it feels so good to speak in this particular way right now.

I’m not worried. God has a plan for me. I can’t believe that He would lay this whole new feeling into the deepest part of my heart if He didn’t have a reason for it. There is a humming, a strum, a vibration I can feel in my torso while I’m embroidering, while I’m in the beautiful deepness of contemplation, a beautiful, soft shake in the soul of elation the more I explore this.

God would not have blessed me with this if He didn’t want me to feel it’s richness. And perhaps He was waiting for me to understand that before He opened new doors for me. Perhaps God said, “Gregory needs to grow….Just like those flowers he planted, he needs to grow. Let’s see what happens when he decides to paint with thread the flowers he’s waiting to see bloom….Let’s see if it will help him to do so, too.”

I decided not to finish my first piece. I want to leave some of it unfinished, some of the sketching still visible, not all of the flowers connected. I’m going to call it, “Learning.” Never was there a better word for describing life.

And the moment I was finished with that piece, I began a smaller one, something for a friend, something to show appreciation.

…and maybe that’s just it. The whole of my calamity in life has been a fear of breaking my own habits, shaking up my own schedule, terrified of the unknown…..and here I am, so appreciative of all the new things that are coming into my life. Rather than clinging to a mistrust of things outside my realm, I’ve come to embrace them with all the fervor of a zealous hugger.

I have always thought that I had faith,…but I actually feel that now. And if I have faith, then why worry? God will take care of me. He always has….I am a definite witness to that. Every step that has brought me here is testament to that.

If you appreciate my work and would like for this blog to continue, please tip my craft bowl! 🙂