That Ever Dreadful Maybe

This won’t be a long post. I haven’t been very wordy lately. I’ve been very quiet….

A few Tuesdays ago I went to my dentist for what I thought was an abscessed tooth. A huge swelling developed on my neck, under my jaw. Upon inspection, she said it was not a tooth problem and demanded that I go to the emergency room. She even had one of her staff tell Kara (my ride) not to take me home, but to the ER.

Five hours later and a few CT scans and viles of blood drawn, the ER doctor was concerned that it was cancer. She saw the mass under my jaw, saw nodes not only there, but on the top of my lungs. She wanted to admit me then and there and begin biopsies and more CT scans.

I freaked out. FREAKED out. Began to vomit, nearly passed out. I told her no. Not at all. Want I wanted to do was go home, pray, and call my mom. The ER doctor said that without insurance (which I didn’t have), it was going to be very difficult to get a primary care doctor, then the head and neck specialist, then the lung specialist, then the oncologist…..

Too much at once, went home and did what I had thought would ease me: I prayed, then called my mom.

I kept getting roadblocks. The Centra Care in my neighborhood is virtually gone. The ER is expensive, getting a ride to another urgent care is difficult, primary care doctors weren’t taking new patients for WEEKS and this and that and this and that and then suddenly it all started coming into play. Everything started working out.

Within a few days of that very scary Tuesday I managed to get private insurance. Mercy, that’s expensive. It’s ok. I’ll start selling more teddy bears and write another REALLY good book. We’ll figure that out later.

God, had something else in mind, a different path that would work beautifully for me. A new doctor is only a few blocks away, and just feet from where Phillip works, and is in my network. They took my appointment the following day.

Phillip went with me, of course. And the moment we walked in I made a bee line for the receptionist. She greeted me kindly, handed me some papers and asked me to have a seat. Turning around, Phillip and I noticed that there were five older men in the waiting room. Rainbow flags everywhere. I just giggled and whispered to Phillip, “This is a doctor for old gay men….HALLELUJAH!”

The doctor was wonderfully kind, very humorous when needed, blunt and honest and calm when it was required. He was concerned about the nodes and wanted me to have more tests. The poo tests, the blood tests, more CT scans on my lungs and a few more angles of x-rays. He basically said he was going to treat the swelling on my neck as an infection with more antibiotics for a longer period….while looking for lung cancer.

I hate going into my portal to fill out paperwork because it doesn’t just say, “CT SCAN.” No, it says, “CT SCREEN FOR LUNG CANCER.” It triggers you a little. They haven’t said yes, they haven’t said no. They’ve only said that ever dreadful maybe.

He also wanted me to quit smoking as soon as possible, gave me resources. He wanted me to pursue my medical marijuana card because of my agoraphobia and anxiety, and to help build weight. “But, no smoking! Do edibles.” He also wants all of my teeth taken out as soon as possible.

(Side note. When he was examining me, he noticed the rosary around my neck. “Were you raised Catholic?” No, I responded. “Is this just a Madonna thing,” he asked? I replied, “I have a fondness for the Blessed Mother.” Phillip piped from the corner, “He has a statue of her in the back yard. He’s very religious.” The doctor said with a smile, “I’m going to share that in the notes on your file!”)

Well, next day I was Johnny on the spot, filling out paperwork, making appointments, scanning my documents, uploading my orders from the doctor. And I have to tell you, it felt therapeutic. All of the paperwork was being received and accepted in its rightful manner, appointments were being booked with quick ease. I began to feel like I was more in control of the situation.

I called George (our very own Mr. Magoo if you haven’t been following this blog!) for a ride. Ha! You have to love again how God sweeps in and makes things so easy. George has to have his CT screenings for lung cancer the same day, the same facility, our appointments within an hour of each other. Brilliant!

He was so fun when he said, “Oh, that’s my favorite place to get a CT scan. They share their parking lot with a Wendy’s!”

So, tomorrow George and I are going to get our chests scanned, hang out in a waiting room, then hit Wendy’s for a bowl of chili and a Frosty. 🙂

I’m in a better head place than I thought I’d be. I thought I would have flipped the *(bleeep) out by now. My doctor gave me instruction, gave me a ton of hope. I’ve been on antibiotics for nearly a week and have about five more days to go, but the swelling on my neck has shrunk. So, that’s a good sign!

So, I’m hoping I have your prayers that whatever they see tomorrow is just the debris of me having been me all these years. Oh! Forgot! I did go to tobaccofreeflorida.com and was able to get 200 pieces of Nicotine replacement gum for free. I got them yesterday! Today, I grabbed a bag full of Dum Dum lollipops. Going to get some licorice tea to sip on. Friday is my quit date. (All of my tests will be done by then. Things will be less stressful).

I guess my point is, rather than feeling frightened, or broken, or sad, I feel more empowered. What I find beautiful is that God has made this process so simple, so stress free, that I don’t have any fear, for I can hear Him say, “The more you fear, the further you are from me. You don’t want that. I’m here. There should be no fear.”

I’ll let you know what happens! Love you, too!

Gregory