Ok. To get the ball rolling, I’m gonna drop the bears in my shop to $25 for a spell, just to see if we can get them new homes and my name out there in the universe, a laptop at my side, some good vibes filling the earth everytime one of these little buggers are hugged. Here is a little pinch of who is available now. And oh, yeah. I AM SO looking forward to working in some color soon 
So, my friend Shayne came to visit me this weekend. The first thing I said to him when he arrived was, “Dude, its been a hellish couple of weeks with the Etsy shop being closed, the laptop dying, the income drying up….I just wanna relax for a day, if that’s cool?”
And relax we did. We did nothing, I tell you. NOTHING. We sat outside and chatted for hours and hours about silly things, stupid things, politics, religion, hopes and dreams, fears and foolishness. Then, ultimately, the conversation went back to this whole “MAD MAN KNITTING” notion. He was filled with some of the best advice that I’ve come across in a while, and basically, because he knows me on a personal level, he equated my psychology with someone who was beat up and filled with self-doubt. Shayne helped me remember that I was a man who should be proud of what I have accomplished. Proud that I have a talent, proud of being creative, and proud that I have a natural survival instinct.
So much of what I’ve felt over the last few months has been based on a sense of self deprivation. I’ve denied myself pride for a while. And I thank my friend for pointing that out.
I’m going to start reminding myself that I am a great, genuine, and creative man who has been beat up, but who still clings on with a death grip to hope. I’ve got my bears, I’ve got my shop, and I’m going to start pinpointing Mad Man Knitting down to a singular philosophy, a brand. This has to be a business, a real one, and cannot be lead by a man who doubts himself. He will be courageous and mindful. So, BigCartel is my home for my bears. There is no walk-by traffic, so I have to do the promotion myself. I’m good with that, I can do it. At some point, I’m going to need more supplies. And I’m DEFINATELY going to have to get a laptop of my own rather than use either a public one or the visits to my mother’s. (*I really do so much of my online work when I wake up at 5am). Oh! And I set up a new Facebook page just for the bears and my work. AND new email: madmanknitting@gmail.com
So, thanks to all of you, many special thanks to Shayne for helping me restore my pride, and thank God that I now feel I have the courage, the spark, and the determination to make my teddy bears a unique and special product.
So, without the laptop I’ve had to start rewriting “Will Knit For Food” by hand. Its interesting how different the writing is when you slow down. And if anything, its a more energetic space to be in when its you and the paper alone. A quiet space of reflection and intimacy left void by the whirring of a computer and the shrilling bright light of a monitor. But, at some point, I’m going to have to have a laptop to work with, to transcribe the wild story of a man who ended up homeless in the woods and began knitting teddy bears to survive. A year ago, Kara’s daughter took a few photographs of me on the side of the road with a sign, looking desperate, in despair, but trying his best to keep alive while clutching my knitting. It was pretty mad to see traffic stop and slow as they passed me with these weird looks on his face. “What the…?”
I finally got the pictures this morning. Now, this isn’t the photo that will be on the cover once I’m done writing the book, but the one I’ve chosen is from that same day.Its interesting how thin I had gotten. 115 pounds, a tattered ballcap that was torn up and faded, clothes too big for me bought at the Salvation Army (and yes, its hard to find pants to fit a 26 waist and 32 length. But, despite how sad and desperate everything looks, I couldn’t help be drawn to my own eyes. They’re still big, bright and hopeful.
With the Etsy fiasco at my heels, and my feeling that their company is now solidly in my past, I didn’t crumble. No, I thought about that photo with those big eyes full of hope. They could have helped, they could have, but I don’t obligate them to that. They made their decision and off I go.
I knit ferociously last night this bear made with Lionbrand’s Organic Wool. A gift from Brandyce who sent it to me a few months back. I finally got around to working with it and NEVER have I see any of my bears work up with such an AWESOME belly. HUGE! I loved it! His face was shaping up and I could see his sad softness say, “Cuddle me. Please?” And then once the stubby little legs and the big belly came about I thought with a smile, “Yeah…That’s right, man. You were made for cuddling. You were made to be squished and squeezed until some little one falls asleep.”
He’s much larger than some of my other bears. I used a size 8 set of needles instead of 5′s. The little guy is in my shop.
He really is THE classic teddy bear.
And have faith in me, I know many of you do. Sometimes I have to remind myself to have faith in something bigger than me, something greater that many will call God. I do have faith.
Running out of supplies.
A couple of years back Margot Kidder (of Superman fame) was found in her neighborhood looking hysterical, head half shaved and scrounging through the bushes. Apparently, she flipped out. She was writing her memoirs on her computer and was nearly finished when a virus struck, deleting page after page in front of her.
My laptop officially died Monday night. I heard a grinding, a click, a sick sort of sputter and the screen went quiet. I turned it back on to find a flashing question mark. With some googling I discovered that the cause is a hard drive that has decided to die. I’m not surprised. My laptop was about 7 or 8 years old. Now, I THINK I initially felt sick to my stomach and wanted to scream and yell and say, “NO! NO! I DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! I CAN’T TAKE TOO MUCH MORE OF THESE BLOWS!”
….but, I laughed instead. I swear to you I did. It started with a simple chuckle that slowly built into a roar. Of course my laptop would die! That’s how my luck has been this last year! OF COURSE IT WOULD! So, 7 years of music and photos and writing gone. The truly awful thing? All the work I was doing on “Will Knit For Food” now has to be rewritten. I’ve bought one of those inexpensive composition books and will start doing it by hand. The demise of my laptop was again just another one of those setbacks that make me go, “You’re not stopping me from surviving. You’re just slowing me down and aggravating me.”
My mother will be letting me pop over to her place when its available so I can check emails. I’m trying to hit over here everyday, but its often not feasible. Who knows, maybe I’ll raise enough money in a couple of months to buy another laptop. God knows I won’t be able to afford another Mac for sometime, but at least I hope to scrounge together the funds to buy just a simple thing to keep this life of mine flowing.
And speaking of. I worked up a Panda bear with some left over Creme and Nature’s Brown Fisherman’s wool from Lionbrand. Ok, ok, so he’s not the usual black and white bear, but I truly do think he came out adorable.
Pray these tides will finally turn and I get some REALLY good luck soon.
So, there is this skein of yarn I have had for quite some time now that I’ve often looked over to go towards other stuff. There’s nothing wrong with the skein, its just often looked simple, and I hate to use the word, but bland. So, I set it to the side while I go after my more traditional oak tweeds and chocolate browns and crèmes to work up a teddy bear.
Now, as many of you know I’ve been spending a lot of time on the beach in some sense of contemplation. My last two posts have readily called upon the idea of back to roots, back to simplicity, back to finding the joy in hidden moments quietly tucked about the day. Or, a revelation that hits with a sense of freedom, that grandiose and brilliant are appalling to me. I prefer simple. Croquet with friends, cribbage by candlelight in the summer night. A laugh that breaks the cricketed orchestra under the moonlight. I prefer experiences over substances. If it were up to me, I’d buy a cheap little air stream camper, park it near the beach and live quietly with little Mario, tend to these bears and the thoughts they help percolate while I’m knitting them up and we would never have to worry about impending homelessness again. We would always have shelter. We’d have the moments of nature parading us with her temper or her comfort. And we’d be sheltered forever more in an aluminum can that could take us anywhere 
Something contemplative, something attune to meditation happens when I’m knitting teddy bears. I’m alone with thoughts, alone with feelings, and no experience on the planet can garner more of your soul’s attention than those of feelings, of quiet interior exploration. So, while on the beach this last time, sitting, staring at the crashing cacophony of angry waves, I noticed that the color of the sand was the same as that skein I had been avoiding.
O
nce I returned home I grabbed that skein and started work right away. And the thoughts that surfaced were as magical as I could have ever hoped. I was reminded of my time on the beach, of my moments in thought and contemplation, of my connection with the outer world by means of an interior silence. On the surface, as most things are, the bear seems simple, sandy colored and slightly bland. But, no….there’s something deeper there, something about the disguise beauty finds when she wishes to be silent.
You can find the little guy in my shop.
When I started this venture a year ago, it started with one teddy bear. I’ve done nearly 400 bears by now, and loved trying new ones, new expressions, new variations of the design, new personalities to shine based on what was happening in my life at the time I was knitting these little guys up. But, a few days I was on the beach thinking (see prior post) and thought long and hard about some things that needed to change. Its interesting when people tell you to think progressively, go big, go strong, evolve. There is a lot of valid truth in this, but I think that only comes when someone is ready. I’m only as ready for growth and progression as far as my roots will stay in the soil. If my roots are damaged, hurt, improperly set, then I’ll not go anywhere. After a year of 400 bears, a little glimpse of them on the Martha Stewart show, a great relationship with Lionbrand casting me a life saver as I was drowning, and hundreds of blog followers coming to aid me with compassion and conversation, I realized I had to go back to my roots. It was one simple idea that got me out off the streets. A simple teddy bear.
So, I’ve decided to head back to the beginning, the purity of what I had started, to recapture it in my own mind, my own life story, so that I could set my roots right, set a solid foundation and THEN and only AFTER I’ve embraced where I came from, what happened over the last year, would I be allowed to bloom, flourish, and be bountiful.
Here is my return to my original classic bear, the one that saved me from poverty and demise. And I’ll return back to the words I originally wrote to describe him.
“I have hope, I have faith, and I am convinced that during our darkest of moments, we’re able to remember that life and happiness cannot be shredded by something as ridiculous as poverty. This bear reminds me of so many philosophies along those same lines. The teddy bear looks like it was handcrafted by someone caring for a boy who doesn’t know he’s poor (unless someone tells him). It looks like the kind of teddy bear that a boy alone on a farm clings to for companionship and love, uncaring of his imperfections and strange stitching. If we consider this crafting of knitting an art form, which it surely can be, then I’m watching my own particular art form turn into a lost version of Americana’s Folk roots in rural life. And if that’s the case, then this little teddy bear is definitely a portrait of a poor boy alone on a farm…. holding on tight to hope….”
He’s in my new shop. And I’ll be doing quite a few of them before I do some new and interesting designs. I want to go back to the past for a minute, back to the spark that set me into survival mode, back to the teddy bear that saved me.
Desmonia Darkness sent me a photo of her bear today. I love those eyes! Its awesome when I get these pics. I love the clever and artistic nuance people give to my pattern. And no two bears look the same. It encourages me when people take my simple pattern and give it their personal touch, because you get to see someone’s personality shine when they make up their bear. They all have stories. You can see it in the eyes. So, keep them coming!
I had this interesting moment on the beach earlier today. I was compelled to head up there on the bike for no reason than its comfort, its endless, constant comfort. It never ceases. There are few surprises. And I have many things in my life that need drastic change. And I’ve had enough surprises for a while.
I stick out like a sore thumb on the beach. Hell, who am I kidding? I stick out most anywhere I go. I don’t have shorts, and you’re all aware of how I have just my boots, and so, there I was on the beach early this morning with my boots to the side, and my jeans rolled up to my knees. I was watching some seagulls, hundreds of them tear apart a few young turtles that hadn’t made their way to escape. And this is where weird things click. I was reminded of a song by The Creatures. This is why I always loved Siouxsie. Her lyrics are always so damned great that 4 years ago I had no choice but to write a book of short stories based on her lyrics. And the lyrics to this one song, “Venus Sands.” Just shot close to home while I saw nature’s murderous scene unravel.
“Down on the flats baby turtles race for safety of the big deep,and white caps come crashing in, indifferent to tender flesh.Shriek of attack! Then moving in! A raucous clash! A thunderous Wail! Of cruel gull beaks and tearing skin SCREAMING.”
Nature takes drastic steps to keep life moving.
I get it now. Drastic steps to keep life moving….
Tonight, on this lovely warm evening on the island, I’m carefully squeezing that one red tomato. He’s not quite ready, but I already have another 8 little green ones quietly sprouting out the size of small marbles all over the top of the plant, and more blooms already popping out. I do think this tomato plant is going to be amazing. I’m doing all sorts of truly natural ways of growing it, despite the offer from people in this building who offer Bloom Guard and Miracle Gro. “Nah,” I tell them. “I rather like the idea that years and years ago, the pioneers didn’t have that luxury….and they still had tomatoes.” So, I use coffee grounds, egg shells, I pluck off the sucker leaves down below, and rub my fingers across each and every bloom to help them cross pollinate.
I’m not accustomed to bad mouthing people on the internet. I don’t think it suits me. But, I am finding it interesting that more gay people than straight find a man who knits laughable, or to be dismissed. Yeah. Odd, isn’t it? But, apparently in the gay community there is such a need for stereotypes to be held up strong, that a guy who knits is considered a detriment to the “cause of making us more acceptable. It feeds the stereotype that we aren’t real men.” Can you believe that? I don’t have any gay friends, and probably because I never really care for superficial aesthetics. I like character. Genuine character. So, gay men find me ludicrous. Straight men find me a lot of fun. Maybe because I don’t take too much of anything seriously. When it comes down to it, I’m one of the fellas. I can have a whiskey and a rough beard (YEAH! THE BEARD IS BACK!) And I’d rather be caught with my dirty knees, my ballcap, my boots, my distaste for decorating (only because its forced, never does it sort of just happen), and my sense of the honor code. If you’re my pal, then you know I won’t fail you. Just thought I’d say something about that. With all of their bears, otters, twinks, and muscle daddies, it seems they haven’t find personalities of their own yet. They’re hiding behind adopted personalities. So sad. So sad.
Which brings me to another thing I’d like to hit on. This blog is getting more and more attention as the days move on. I’m thankful for that. And I love reading all the comments. I often don’t have time to respond to each one, but I’d like to take a few sentences for a few shout outs. Judy, Traci D (I still love you, dear), Leila, Leigh D., Melissa, Sandrine, and especially Rica all have done a great service by becoming my “internet moms.” You keep me feeling warm, delighted, and filled with great hope.
Now, on the flip side, I’d like to say, to anyone who wishes to come here and make nasty comments, I’ll allow it. On one condition: leave your photograph and contact information, with full name included. I won’t allow you to come onto MY territory and be nasty and let you hide behind a screen name. Don’t forget who you’re dealing with here. I’m a nice guy, an incredibly hopeful guy, who sees the good in people. But, I’ve gone hungry, I’ve gone homeless and I had to find a strength in me to survive while the rest of the world judged me. So, I’m a fearless fighter. I truly don’t care about the bad things you have to say about me. But, in regards to my supporters and the people I care for? Off limits. In other words? Don’t fuck with me, and keep your hands off my supporters. I promise, I’ll take you down. These are some good people who come here to spend time with me. Many of them are probably too kind natured to mind. So, I mind for them. I won’t let you take the ladies who read this blog and bad mouth them.
Now, we can proceed.
Rachael Pudi has made some amazing bears off my pattern. And even the rabbit! She had said she was making TONS of them for so many people under the sun and so I begged her for a picture. Isn’t that awesome? See? She’s doing an AWESOME job! One simple pattern and one skien of Fisherman’s Wool and bears are EVERYWHERE! I LOVE this photograph. Look! Isn’t that amazing???? If you’re a knitter, you can get my pattern here and make tons of bears for your loved ones. Rachael has been a great supporter and I’m happy to see that her bears are bringing smiles to so many faces.
And don’t forget, I have my new shop here at BIGCARTEL. So, the volume isn’t as heavy as Etsy. But, until I finish up my dealings with Etsy, I’m happy with the relationship with BIGCARTEL. (And yes, I DO want to get back to Etsy soon).
Send me pics of your bears! I love to see them!
Have a great Sunday everyone. I’ll be sleeping tonight dreaming of bears, the beach, and a lovely tomato ready to have for lunch in a day or two.
Many months ago I did a custom bear for a friend in England who was ill. The bear was made with this lovely pumpkin acrylic so he could be handled roughly, then tossed in the wash for a bath. While I was working up his face, I was thinking an awful lot about the woman so far away who would be receiving this bear. She needed bravery and courage around her, as she fought off on illness that could at some point turn terminal. And as I worked up the little bear’s face, I saw some expression of strength sparkling in his eyes. With a stoic, but sincere face that was so subtle, he looked like a bear ready to fight off the monsters under the bed as you slept, growled away discomforting foes that approached while you were busy, and stood by your side at the ready. I needed that same feeling to rise again within me. So, I worked up another one of these soldier bears so I could remember once more, that guardians come in all shapes and sizes.
He’s in my NEW shop for the moment. I’m still working things out with Etsy and I can’t tell you how much of a difference your letters to them have helped. They definately took notice and contacted me promptly. In the meantime, I still need my income from teddy bears so I’ve started posting them on BIGCARTEL.
In other news? My one little tomato has finally turned red. Yay!
UPDATE! The little orange bear has now been sold. He’ll be headed to his new home tomorrow. BUT! THERE IS ANOTHER READY TO GO IN MY SHOP!
I have my powercord. My laptop is charged, thank God. I don’t have much time because I have a gazillion emails in my inbox and 118 unapproved comments to tend to. And I REALLY want to tend to them. I’ve sent an email to Etsy (my contact was Kaitlin) explaining that I didn’t think the closure was fair. Not at all. So, while I’m answering emails, responding to comments I’ll offer over my contacts email address at Etsy if anyone (and I hope all of you!) will contact Kaitlin and offer that I am a real person, this isn’t a joke, and that my account means bread and butter, life and death, survival and destruction to me. To make it cohesive, I think the subject should read “ATTN: Kaitlin-Gregory Patrick Deactivated.”
I’ll be back on again this evening. So much to talk about, so little time.
And we have a business to get up and running again.
I feel a power running through me. I have supporters, I have tenacity.
trust@etsy.com
